Since its not late night, it can rightfully assumed that I'm at college. I don't have classes today but Michelle wanted me up here and here I am. Though she is mad at me because while on the bus, she wanted to talk to me and I told her I didn't and that it wasn't related to her. Basically, I was just in my own thoughts about how we could've had a bit of a rest this spring and also just reflecting on how I could be at peace with what is.

Besides that, yesterday we got some gifts from the baby shower they were gonna throw Michelle at work. The gifts ranged from clothes, lil blankets, practical stuff (pack of diapers, thermometer etc) to a gift card. The teacher, Ms. Fong brought it. She also brought us some bread, won ton wrappers and thank you cards. Seems she is sympathetic to our situation. She mostly talked to Michelle, though noted how I looked like I was plucked from a high school. A typical remark I get when people see me. I really do look like 16-17 in real life. (ray says 12, lol) She wants to give us a ride to Target so we could pick stuff up in a car. I was happy because I hate to ask too much of Ray, as he has already given me so much without me giving much in return. So we were excited about the gifts. I was gonna take pix of them and upload it but Michelle didn't want that. Ms. Fong left and I encouraged Michelle to keep up with her as it is hard to find decent people. Michelle still has a bit of antisocialness and is lukewarm to the idea.

What was quite notable about the gifts was the fact that the teacher Michelle works for everyday didn't get her anything. Also, the vice prinicpal who also deal with Michelle alot didn't get anything as well. So that was unpleasently surprising. In all, 8 people got her things which still was helpful. My mom called and I talked to her and she seemed like she didn't really want to get anything except the crib. Though I let her know that I didn't feel comfortable with her getting the crip because she doesn't do research about them. She felt offended but said that she wouldn't be getting one with giant openings. Yes, true, but even moderate openings and recalled products that seem safe could be a danger. So that didn't go too well. However, she said that her and Cathy (ray's mom) were talking and they wanted to plan a baby shower. She wanted to know what friends we could invite. I told her that I really didn't have any friends outside Ray really and that Michelle didn't have any. So she basically started to put me down for not having friends, noting that with my psychology, that I should be able to make a bunch of friends and that other people in college have friends. Obviously, I had to explain my schedule and defend my time usage. She said that if she were me, then she would have a bunch of friends at college. I tried to explain that those with a lot of friends at college usually don't have other responsibilities but she was already bored of the conversation and let me go.

In an odd way, I'm glad its just me and Michelle. (and the baby soon) I really tired of being disappointed by people. I hate having to try and shape myself so that I appear more desirable to them; whether that be my look or especially how I think. I am too aware of the dynamics. They want me to be just like them and sorry, but not interested. Not interested in putting down others and pretending I/we are so much more intelligent/better then the x,y or z while ignoring the times when I/we act stupid. From both a religious and atheistic stand point, this is not we should be spending our time on. Yet, if you don't play the game, you're not in. So be it.

Not sure what else to say. I just really hate this I am good crap. I mean, if you're an atheist, there is no such thing as good/bad, simply actions that occur here on Earth. If you want to take the position that you are doing God's will, then you really have to go all out. I swear, I am so tired of these token good works that people do and then take that to mean they are good. I feel bad for the homeless, I deserve some chocolate ice cream. The poor are poor because you made them that way. *say what?, i love the poor, my heart breaks for them* You see, here's the way things work. You have been made to believe that happiness is found through products and services. So, you go and buy stuff, lots and lots of stuff. You desire is unending. So, in a world of limited goods, you accumulate resources. The more you have, the less someone else has.

You create all this extra labor for someone else. Being that these people have less objects, they are less able to assert thier will. They are then viewed as less valuable as humans. They then have to compete with themselves and inadvertently pricing themselves down. They are then able to be exploited. They are forced to work 16 hour days for pennies to support your unending need to acquire more stuff. As you get more, you are able to fence yourself away from the real issues facing others. Being that you need self esteem, you define your own actions as intrinsically good which then makes the actions of the poor then bad. *it is thier fault thier poor, ain't it?* But how did they get that way in the first place? Is it really less effort to be poor? While some people do indeed squander thier advantage, the problem isn't really with the person but how system is set up. For there to be a rich, there must be many poor.

If we're gonna pursue the Go(o)d path and believe, then our actions should be good for all.

What are all the consequences that the accumulation of more creates?

If we are to try and take this title of being good, then we must do good. Our thoughts as well as our actions should be congruent. Right? Its either all that we do (and think) is for the glorification of God or ourselves. Its on or the other, it can't be both. To think you can do both is a great delusion.

The whole point of all this isn't really about you. Sorry, don't be egocentric. We tend to think others actions or points are really about us. No, its not. This whole thing is about me and trying to decide what path I should take. Though it is my feeling that people should be consistent and not to try to claim a title for which doesn't belong to them.

To get a better understanding of this, you have to read the book "the secret life of stuff". Though it doesn't wholely convey the conditions on the individual you have by simply pursing your worldly pleasures.