Well, today didn't end the way I expected it. *that's life for ya* Chatted with Ray. Also I talked with Jeff. I get to all that in a moment. First, let me start writing about today from the begining.

Ok, went to the college and did the group project in front of the class. Was all improv too. *we didn't plan anything out* Hopefully we did well. I later get out of the class. I go and do some studying. Talk to Donald and some others for a bit while waiting for Jeff. Eventually, I got tired of waiting for him so I went out to eat. After eating, I came back on campus to lay on the sofas they have there.

After laying on the sofas and listening to some music, I went home. At home I do some studying, then some chatting. Had a good chat with Pax2002. Also with kaliko. While chatting to kaliko, Ray started to chat to me. Let me cut and paste the meat of our conversation. Actually, its more than the meat, but this is my diary, and this will serve to remind me. We got to this point in the conversation when he asked me what's up. He asked if something was in my way.

tazwantfood1: Not just something, but somethings
tazwantfood1: I can handle a few problems
tazwantfood1: Alot actually
Merl629368: well I'm just this week getting back into utilizing the power of prayer to helping me perfect my own life, and I've gotten great results, so tonight before I go to bed I'm going to share the wealth and pray a special prayer for you
tazwantfood1: ummm, ok
tazwantfood1: you do that
Merl629368: hey - lately me and my friend Lawrence have been hooking up and fellowshipping together and every time either him or I bring up you in our conversations.....
tazwantfood1: what?
Merl629368: he still only knows what you've impressed upon him last Saturday, but when we hang out either him or I say to the other "Hey man, it would be cool if Tino were here."
tazwantfood1: *half smile*
Merl629368: ok........
tazwantfood1: well, maybe one day
tazwantfood1: maybe next week, maybe next year
Merl629368: whatever that means.........
tazwantfood1: do you need interpretatation?
Merl629368: yes I do
tazwantfood1: Ok, I think its flattering that y'all think it'd be cool if I was with you, just that at this point in my life, I don't know when I'll ever be at that level
Merl629368: what level?
tazwantfood1: level at which I live my life for God
tazwantfood1: not for me
Merl629368: oh ok
tazwantfood1: LIfe is hard enough right now
Merl629368: I get you
tazwantfood1: i know, excuses
tazwantfood1: yeah
Merl629368: I wasn't going to say that
tazwantfood1: what were you thinking?
Merl629368: I was just going by your facts - I wouldn't think/presume anything
Merl629368: if you're not ready, then you're not ready
tazwantfood1: but when is there a 'ready'
tazwantfood1: there is just now
Merl629368: are you arguing from my point of view or trying to convince yourself that you should change?
tazwantfood1: both
tazwantfood1: lol
tazwantfood1: I'm crazy
tazwantfood1: WOHOASF
Merl629368: hey I've been there.....
Merl629368: but N-E way, whenever you feel like you might want to hang out, call me up and let me know so we can arrange it
tazwantfood1: tell Lawerence that I do want to go to church this sabbath
Merl629368: you DO?
tazwantfood1: yeh
Merl629368: hey do you have any plans on Saturday?
tazwantfood1: nope
Merl629368: so you have the whole day free?
Merl629368: and I'm talking the WHOLE day...
tazwantfood1: thing is, i don't wanna do anything out of social pressure
tazwantfood1: I mean, yeah, we can do all kinds of nifty things
Merl629368: that's cool w/me
Merl629368: that's not even what I'm thinking of
tazwantfood1: that's what i'm thinking of
Merl629368: you couldn't even guess the plans we have planned for Saturday
tazwantfood1: no i couldn't
Merl629368: but its going to last the WHOLE day
tazwantfood1: oh
tazwantfood1: well, you gonna tell me or what?
Merl629368: we're going to PUC - you know, that college in Napa. With another friend of Lawrence's (Richard) who goes to Sac City. He wants to transfer to PUC and wants to check out their church service, and Lawrence and I are going to go with him and spend the day there. Wanna go?
tazwantfood1: I dunno, will think about it cause to be honest, going there would only serve to remind me of unfulfilled potential
Merl629368: hey I feel the same way
Merl629368: every time I hang out with Lawrence and especially Richard I feel out of place, and so uncomfortable because I feel like I should be at a higher standard
tazwantfood1: that's how I think I would feel
Merl629368: that feeling is what motivates me
Merl629368: here's some NEW logic for you:
Merl629368: I feel like I can talk to just about ANYBODY on this planet, because of my ability to read ppl well. But out of everyone I can come in contact with and learn from, the only ppl I can honestly say I feel uncomfortable hanging around with are Seventh-Day Adventists - especially ones my age, because it is through them that I recognize my shortcomings and feel not only a need to understand, but to adapt
tazwantfood1: but for you, YOU is the only problem in your life
tazwantfood1: so you can focus on that
Merl629368: not true
Merl629368: if you only knew......
tazwantfood1: well I can only go by what I do know
Merl629368: I see it like this: trying to juggle life is too hard, because you'll never find time for God, especially with the speed at which obstacles present themselves in your life...........but if you just focus on YOU, everything else will take care of itself
tazwantfood1: hmmm, true
tazwantfood1: I dunno what to say
tazwantfood1: your right
tazwantfood1: just I have a hard time applying stuff
tazwantfood1: I've thought about what you just wrote many times
tazwantfood1: not exactly that
tazwantfood1: but the "gist" was the same
Merl629368: yeah there will be MANY obstacles in your way, and more ppl to worry about than yourself. SO WHAT! Forget about tending to everyone else's needs/desires for a minute, and get to perfecting YOU. When YOU become more perfect, you also perfect the ways in which you handle the needs/desires of other ppl, and some of your little "angel dust" rubs off on them
tazwantfood1: your right
Merl629368: but here's another thing I've learned about trying to come closer to God - you can't do it by yourself. That's why when you feel like you're ready to step out in "blind faith" (that doesn't mean that you completely change your ways/life around on the spot), I want you to let me know so we can get through this TOGETHER
tazwantfood1: lol
tazwantfood1: Damn
tazwantfood1: your good
Merl629368: so you don't even have to say that you'll make a change today - just think about how badly you want your life to change for the better, and remember where your answers are
tazwantfood1: :)
Merl629368: if you want to see better and happier days ahead, then consider your options (I am officially making myself an option for help if you want it)
tazwantfood1: ahh, its official
tazwantfood1: what was it before
tazwantfood1: ;)
Merl629368: well it was there, just not in writing
tazwantfood1: :)
Merl629368: just think about it man
tazwantfood1: k
Merl629368: I feel so undescribably happy right now - and I didn't have to tell someone all of my problems to do it either
tazwantfood1: that's good
tazwantfood1: well that's cool
Merl629368: I'm still somewhat introvertive when I talk to my 'new Christian friends', but just being able to pray with someone my age is enough of a bridge to bring us pretty close
Merl629368: its a crazy thing - you'd just have to be there.....
tazwantfood1: sounds cool
tazwantfood1: I believe you
tazwantfood1: I've been there before
tazwantfood1: not with SDA
tazwantfood1: But then Life seems to get harder and directly interfers with my ability to worship
tazwantfood1: and pray
Merl629368: that's ok
Merl629368: say a quick prayer if you feel that's all you can muster
Merl629368: just keep in mind that prayer is POWERFUL
tazwantfood1: that's my problem
Merl629368: I'm constantly reminding myself that I need to pray, and not at any particular time of the day, either - just WHENEVER - but at least once in the day (I try to remember first thing in the morning) - so I know that God is with me
tazwantfood1: alot of times i feel i'm talking to myself
Merl629368: I am telling you right now - try to pray at least ONCE a day - and watch the results
tazwantfood1: I usually do at night
tazwantfood1: Before bed
Merl629368: and you still feel like you're talking to yourself?
tazwantfood1: yeah
tazwantfood1: sad......
Merl629368: ok try this:
Merl629368: keep in mind that your prayers are jibberish, and that the Holy Spirit has to translate your prayers into what you really mean to say to the Lord
Merl629368: but all of this depends on the sincerity of your prayer
tazwantfood1: You think I"m not sincere in what I ask?
Merl629368: I didn't say that
Merl629368: part of being sincere is believing that you're not praying in vain, and that your prayers will be answered
tazwantfood1: at one point in my life, I did believe i was talking to God
tazwantfood1: but then when my prayers weren't answered
Merl629368: me too
tazwantfood1: I was like, ok, GOd works in his time
tazwantfood1: not ours
Merl629368: mm hmm
tazwantfood1: So I waited
tazwantfood1: and waited
tazwantfood1: problem got worse
tazwantfood1: and worse
tazwantfood1: and ofcourse soon I lost my faith
tazwantfood1: and I'm sure you can fill in the rest
tazwantfood1: cause the story is typical
tazwantfood1: *problems
Merl629368: maybe you need to change environments - that can boost your confidence
tazwantfood1: how ray?
tazwantfood1: I can't move
tazwantfood1: don't have that kind of money
tazwantfood1: vanessa and alex depend on me
Merl629368: I don't mean like that - get out - for a while - and hang out - with ppl of the same faith who can uplift you without invading your personal space
tazwantfood1: what if I want someone in that personal space
Merl629368: well then - share - that's cool too
tazwantfood1: well i have
tazwantfood1: I'm sure you've seen it
tazwantfood1: normally, i'd tell you everything was fine
tazwantfood1: we''d talk about the kings game
tazwantfood1: the playoffs
tazwantfood1: maybe about the weather
Merl629368: mm hmm
tazwantfood1: maybe a theory here and there
tazwantfood1: classes
tazwantfood1: etc
Merl629368: I'm letting you know that I'm here for you as much as you want me to be
Merl629368: and that sharing an environment/social setting with a person of the same faith and same age group - even if for just a little while - can make a WORLD of difference
tazwantfood1: but sometimes with you, I almost feel like i"m giving you all this info while you stay in this secure comfort zone
Merl629368: I'm not secure though
tazwantfood1: Damn you and your curve balls
tazwantfood1: :D
Merl629368: remember when we talked about how we could push each other's buttons and the only thing you could come up with was if you told my mom of how I act different around my friends than I do around her?
tazwantfood1: uh yeah, i remember that
Merl629368: well I feel insecure every time I tell you of times I've sinned
tazwantfood1: oh
Merl629368: that devastates me - knowing that not only God knows of my sins (because he knows everything about me), but YOU too? And you can't possibly handle that knowledge as effectively as God can
tazwantfood1: do you feel an uneven balance?
Merl629368: I feel like I have two records being built against me
tazwantfood1: like I don't share enough?
Merl629368: no
tazwantfood1: i kinda feel like that about you knowing my sins and my shortcomings
Merl629368: I feel like I have the potential to master this world and in the eyes of all men I would appear near perfect................but the only this is, it doesn't matter if the world sees me as perfect - and knowing that I am imperfect is something that I want to forget
Merl629368: but if someone else knows that I am imperfect (ex. a little guy named Tino), then there's the possibility of my imperfections being brought to my attention somehow, imperfections that I would rather forget about
tazwantfood1: I'd never throw it in your face, though I do know what you mean, cause the potential is there
tazwantfood1: the potential is disturbing
Merl629368: I don't mean it like that - just REMINDING me of things I may have said or done wrong in the past disturbs me
tazwantfood1: ok
tazwantfood1: cleared that up for me
tazwantfood1: :)
Merl629368: if you threw something in my face, it would hurt me the most that more ppl have knowledge (and therefore opportunity) to remind me of things I'd like to forget
tazwantfood1: k, i get it
tazwantfood1: :)
tazwantfood1: then it could grow
Merl629368: but even if you threw something in my face and no one was present, I'd still be bothered by the fact that you didn't forget about it, even though I did until you brought it up
tazwantfood1: All i can say is I will never purposely throw anything in your face, and If I start to, please tell me to stop
Merl629368: ok
tazwantfood1: oh, and walk away, cause then I will know I had messed up
Merl629368: ok
tazwantfood1: ray, i appreciate you being open
tazwantfood1: when is yours and lawerence's next meeting
Merl629368: well I appreciate having a friend who can understand what I'm trying to say w/out questioning my feelings and reasoning on diff. things
Merl629368: we're going to meet up tomorrow
tazwantfood1: time?
Merl629368: around 6-7pm
tazwantfood1: i wanna go
Merl629368: ok
Merl629368: we're probably going to go to his uncle's house (the place on MLK, right down the street from you) and study the Bible
tazwantfood1: stop by here
tazwantfood1: pick me up
Merl629368: talk it over and stuff
Merl629368: ok
tazwantfood1: :)
Merl629368: will you be at home?
tazwantfood1: yeah
Merl629368: ok cool

So after that, he decides to call me. So does Jeff. I decide to have JEff and Ray do 3-way. Jeff thinks that me and Ray are talking about him. So he starts talking about how he thinks Ray has been putting ideas in my head and stuff. Ray just listens for the most part. I then realize that Jeff wants to bring up what he said to Ray, I decide I don't want to talk or hear about it. So I kinda hangup on him. He calls back, he is mad and very sad. I tell him that I have forgiven him and that were still friends and such. He is mad cause our friendship isn't like it was. *he made it that way* Actually, i'm not even sure what he thinks. All I know is that I'll never quite forget him betraying my trust. Anyways, I tell him I will see him tomorrow and I click over and talk to Ray. Ray and I talk about the nature of God, life, and just some other stuff. Was great. I wish he was like this before. Well, he always has kinda been the same, but not as open. Hard to explain. I get off the phone with him and type this entry.

I'm both happy and sad. Happy that me and Ray are starting to click, and its over God. Sad that me and Jeff's friendship seems to be on the rocks. If only things could've been different. All I can say is that when Jeff is ready just to be a christian with me, then we might ascend to that level again. I dunno. All I can do is pray that we all end up saved and happy. That is all. ~END~