Its been a while, where shall we begin? Well, now that I got health insurance, I went to the doctor. I got the referral and got blood tests and everything. When the doc asked me if I was taking pills, I said no. She looked shocked. She said, "You're lucky to be alive." The reason, the pills were suppose to give me much needed cortisol and free T4. Basically, we need those to survive. Lucky for my, i still produce some. Very little, but enough that I'm not dead. Though had I got into a serious accident, my body's immune system would've been too weak to recover. So the tests revealed I was low on those and well as every other hormone under the sun, except prolactin. My prolactin is high. That's an ominious sign.

It was explained to me that the prolactin is coming from a tumor in my head. *the same tumor from last time, it was never completely gone* So now, it either a small 100% prolactin tumor which could be killed with parlodel or a large semi-prolactin tumor which pills wouldn't kill and thus I'd need to go under the knife again. An upcoming MRI will reveal what's going on.

So the good news is that I'm covered while Michelle still has her job and doesn't divorce me. The bad is obviously the tumor and I have to wear some *UGLY* medical bracelet indicating to some paramedic that if I'm unconscious or seriously hurt, to pump a crap load of cortisol into my system.

So yeah, I guess I knew that when I finally seen a doctor, something would be up. Atleast I have energy now. I"m not so exhausted anymore, being that I got this stupid testostorne patch on, cortisol and T4 pills. I told my mom and she's sorta non-chalant about it. She a sorta one upper person, oh, I think I'm dying too. I think she'll outlive me because my life has that kind of irony written all over it. I mean, I don't do drugs, smoke, drink massive amount of beer like my mom. Nor do I have a crazy drunk drive me around everywhere. Therefore, I must have IT coming.

What if this is it? *one of my favorite thoughts* WoW, I wasted all my time in college, waiting for the greatness to happen in my life. Never really being happy. Then, if there is an afterlife, I'm in hell. I'd like to think I'm a nice person, like most people secretly think about themselves, but I know I'm only a decent person. I look out for myself, my girl, and my family. Not even that much my family. But it wouldn't matter cuz I never ventured out my comfort zone.

PHONE CALL

MRI appointment on Wednesday @ 5:30.

Anyways, where was I? Oh yes, putting myself down. Another favorite topic of mines. That's boring now. I'll make some dinner, watch tv and then there will be ample time to put myself down again.

In other news, talked to Ray. Seems he's going out with a much older lady. She's in her 40's and he's 23. He worries what other people will think of him. He also worries that she wouldn't be able to have kids with her being that she has 2. One is 5 and one is 19. He says the 19 year old was in the same high school as him. He told me that if it wasn't for her age, he'd already think of marrying her cuz her personality is so great. So I basically gave him what I'd say if I were his psychologist.

I said, "Don't worry what other people will think, because for the ones who love you, it won't really matter. But for the ones that won't like you, then, they never really cared for you in the first place in that thier abstract philosophies are more important than how you two feel. This will only show how much people really think of you. Now prepare yourself for critisim from somebody because it will happen. Someone you are close to will unexpectedly shun you.

"As for the future children situation, you have to think about what you really want in life. Are you really ok not having children? You have to search inside and figure out what you really want to have done in life when you look back." Later on say the non-psychologist part.

"Make sure you're not starting this relationship because you're so ready to be in love and be apart of a family that you project the desirable characteristics on to your mate without really knowing who they are." I remind him that me and Michelle kinda did that and luckily it did work out, but that more the exception than the rule. You want to start out the relationship out right.

Later he said he was surprised that I was supportive of his relationship. I told him that I'm not the one who has to live with the decision. It's his happiness.

Besides all that, there isn't too much new. I go to work and watch the clock alot. I though teaching would be better than it is. Maybe its not the teaching part I loathe, its the subject. I understand that for the students, learning English is important, but it is just so irrelevant to me. I want to talk about why society is the way it is and how disorders affect people. So yeah, its boring there. Though college doesn't look so great next quarter. I got perhaps the toughest schedule I've ever had to take on.

I have Statistical Analysis of Psychological Data, Environmental Awareness *how the environment affects our perception*, Abnormal Psychology and Developmental Psychology. I absolutely hate stats. I hate 'em with a passion. Then I seen Michelle drop the environmental class. It was REALLY confusing. The abnormal psych was a lot harder for michelle then it would've seemed like it would've. I sat in that class too and theres a whole lot to remember. The developmental class shouldn't be too hard in that I know most the different stage theories of development. Then next semester I'm stuck with ANOTHER stat analysis class and cognitive neuroscience. All the fun stuff is out the way and its all biology stuff that I need so that I have an outside chance at UCLA and UC San Diego. Yup, I want to transfer again.

If I could get my PH.D from UCLA, that'd open the way for me to write the one big book I always wanted to write. I may still try for it without a big name degree, but who knows if it'll be as successful. I'd like to explore how ego development impacts how people perceive God and heaven. Or something about how perception affects spirituality. *and vice versa* I have some good ideas, but I'd need research money to make it a cross-cultural thing. I haven't seen anyone take on the subject with some heavy duty research backing them. Anyways, I'm tired. That's all for now. Hopefully I don't die before I get a chance to see if I make it to UCLA. That'd suck, they'd accept me the day after I died. D: