Wow, a third entry in the span of 24 hours, this hasn't happened in years. I guess I'm just really lonely right now. I dunno why. As a psych major, I sometimes feel that I should have the solution to why questions to myself. I guess I just want to feel that someone knows me and cares. To me, the care part is an active thing. Its someone who will actually do something to cheer you up when you're down. I'm thinking of the idealistic friend that seems to exist only on TV and in other people's lives.

I am so upset at myself for not making this sort of connection to someone. I'd like to blame everyone who could've done more but the truth is that I play an active role in shaping my own life. I think when i was younger, I was too shy and aloof to go out there and make a few solid friends. Plus, I moved nearly once a year from elementry school to the end of high school. *counting in my head* 10 schools in 12 years. Part of a deep conncetion is a lot of time spent together. The only person I had was Ray after all that time.

After shunning him for being a jerk, now I talk to him again. Though I feel like yelling at him right now. I called him a lil after that last entry and we had another talk. 10 paragraphs couldn't contain all the stuff that was said. The convo was like an hour and a half. That seemed cool. Then, trying to be nice, he said, you want to go get some dinner. After checking with Michelle, I said yeah. He wanted to ask his girlfriend if it was ok. I waited and I waited. He didn't call back. So after around 45 minutes I call him cuz I need to know whether I should throw some clothes on or what. He says he's at Jamba Juice with his girlfriend. *she was in his area* He says he isn't gonna be able to hang out cuz she was with someone else. *what's that got to do with anything?* I just nod and say ok. I say so we're off for today, right? He's like, "you still want to hang out? I guess we could, or..." I said, nah, it's cool, another time is ok." He says, "what time are you staying up till" I said, "Ray, you know me. I stay up til 1 or 2 in the morning. He's like, alright, I'll talk to you later on tonight.

So right now it's 10 minutes to 1 in the morning. I'm ok now but earlier I was ticked off. He didn't call me back to tell me we were off for dinner. Then he says he'll call me later on tonight and doesn't. I hate being left hanging. To me, it speaks of my relative importance to him. And that is what kinda hurts me. Not that I have so much cache with him that we are best friends. I don't even expect for him to want to hang out. Even not calling isn't that surprising to me. He's just that sort've person. It's also the fact that I am not that important to anyone.

Gawd, this is a constant theme in my life. I'm just one conflicted mutherfucker, aren't I? Is it my fault or theirs? I suppose the reason people like stories like Harry Potter and even the show Friends is that so many of us wish that we had a close knit group of friends that would mutually get along with us and help us during our dark hour. Its too bad its all just fiction. Atleast for me.

Sometimes I think the need for God and other religious stuff is that we all want to believe that this can't be life. That in some reality, we are loved so deeply and profoundly that some enity knows how many hairs we have on our head. *and at what rate it is decreasing*

Ofcourse, for the religious, this reality is true. I'd like to believe that so that I know all this struggle and pain is with reason. However, I can't be convinced to squew reality into making everything being about God's plan. I mean, I'm sure some people can make me breaking my right wrist about being about God's plan.

Anyone else find it interesting that when I get angry then God comes into the picture in my life? Ofcourse, anger is a good chemical friend of sadness. Ever feel so angry that you cry? Its not a chemical mistake. *or vice versa* SIGH SIGH SIGH SIGH. My friend? Alex just came online *in yahoo messenger* and musta been looking for someone interesting to chat to. He musta not found it cuz after 15 seconds, he popped right offline again. I know that pattern by now. I remember when people used to pop on that I'd be IMed within 10 seconds. Times change and people change.

More sighing. I dunno if I want this to be public now. I don't like these emotional entries on anymore. When I spill my heart and no one cares, it just reminds me of my relative importance to them. Though admittley, I don't try as hard with this online thing anymore. Too much effort for too little gain. I'd like to give up this blog but I'd have no where else to get this out of my system. *SIGH*

I guess that's it. At some point, I can't keep saying stuff without a reply. I'm all out of fight right now. I think I'll sleep now. If I never woke up, I guess that'd be ok too.........