That title is a quote that appeared above my finished previous entry. Somehow, it intrigues me. I usually read the quotes above and think about writing about a few. Since I'm in the writing mood, I think I will write about it.

Its a debate that goes on all the time in my brain. Whom should I listen to? There is the heart and the intellect. Each has their own group lobbying for them. Each group is composed of people I have met throughout my lifetime. Some people have more sway than others but the majority always wins. Ideally, I'd love to think with my heart than my intellect. The quote even says its wiser. Then the intellect butts in, "who do you think got you this far?" This is where I am constantly at. I so want to be more in touch with my heart but it seems like my hand is always forced into me having to use my intellect. Emotionally vulnurable, the intellect has been there to protect me. It has done such a good job of late that I've tried to protect others. Though the same formula doesn't seem to be working as great as it sounded inside my head.

Intellectually, my brain says to stop putting myself out there and just focus on numero uno. *number 1* My heart says that it wants to love and care for others. Yet it seems that I have already decided to go with the intellect. I suppose that despite what the quote says, I really think the intellect is wiser. While this is my default mode now, it just doesn't feel right. It never feels right to be cold and distant. Though it seems to be the best for everyone right now. That's what my intellect says. My heart likes to be out there but hates being rejected. I worry about that rejection because it stirs up all sorts of negative emotions. Over a period of time, I end up really depressed like I used to be. Plus, I end up really hating people. Even now, there's a part of me that says, "people must really hate me and think I'm shit". My intellect adds a negative twist to it when overlyinfluenced by the heart. Its says, "people don't even have enough feelings about you to hate you. They could careless"

Obviously, that isn't true but my brain tends to go down that path. It seems more frequent the more I read other people's blogs/diaries. Somehow, I thought it was just me. However, lately it seems that I could overcome this by just truely accepting that some people will like me and some will not. That and maybe because I'm a male and males are socialized to be more able to just to put aside emotions besides anger and contempt. I dunno...... I don't have all the answers but I'm trying to be a decent person. Hopefully I will find that nice balance. That's what I think the real answer is. It a balance of logic and emotionality. I knew that long ago. I just haven't really accepted it. I know a lot of things that I still have a hard time accepting. I still have a hard time accepting the fact that some people have to just find thier own answers. I have a hard time accepting that I can't be everyone's best friend. *one moment* For some reason that had an affect on me. I had a hard time making and keeping friends for awhile now and I suppose I'm looking for some stability in people. As my friendships seems to peak out and then settle into something I am never happy with. Since its a pattern in my life, I can't simply blame others but must acknowledge my role in this. Its the fact of not having the time to maintain friendships that probaly is to blame. I try to do so much in my life and ideally I should be able to make room in my life but afraid of being a failure. Thus I must tend to things that will ensure success. Though I wonder, at what cost?