There is this paticular one that happened yesterday that is still on my mind. Ok, she has this Calculus test at 5:30PM. We wake up early and get to the college at around 9 A.M. So then we're walking around and I see Danielle. I wave at her and she comes over. She starts to talk about EVERYTHING. She tells me how her boyfriend Jesse is deployed in Kuwait,how her grandma died, how she been sick for a whole week and had to go to the doctor, how she was feeling down and much more. So I'm talking a little bit but I'm enjoying listening to her. *usually the conversations I run into are superficial* I had my chance to talk about me but I usually don't do that sort of thing in person, except with Michelle. So the conversation runs over an hour and Michelle keeps trying to get me to go because she has to study. While I got her drift early on, I had no out. *no excuse for leaving, I didn't have to study or go to class* So eventually, the conversation ends.
I'm walking with Michelle and as soon as Danielle is out of sight, she blasts me with her anger. She tells me that "You knew I had to study but you decided to talk to her instead of listen to my feelings!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!" Then I'm mad because I haven't talked to anyone really for about a week. Also, I was enjoying my conversation. So we fight and the day drags on. We are ok afterwards, but I'm not sure if I should blow off who I'm talking to just because Michelle feels like leaving. I know that's inconsiderate of me, but isn't that inconsiderate of her? She has my attention ALL the time and nothing stopped her from leaving. I'm not sure if I should try to rebuild my friendships or just build a VERY soild relationship with her. Anyways, life goes on.
There is increased pressure for me to work. I've applyed at the Golden 1 and my mom says she has connections with a person in human resources. So that sounds promising. If that doesn't come through, I will have to greatly intensify my search.
As for me and GOD, our relationship is somewhat stale. I am not sure where to go to church and I'm not really praying or reading the bible. I'm finding hard to believe that God really really loves me. I know that sounds riducluous but I think I finally know who I am and what I like, and it contradicts what I should be doing. I doubt he will love me if I continue on my path as is. Though I know the basic love is there, I feel like the love of having me in the book of life isn't there. Not right now atleast. I almost know if I had a close religous friend that was in my town, that he/she could pull me through. I dunno. I should be depending on God, not some person, but that is how I am.
As for the inner me, the going mood is mildness. I'm not that happy, not that sad. I'm just here. OK. Not great. Not horrible, just here. Michelle usually keeps my mood from going to far down. Psychologically, I think I need esteem from others. Thier attention would be nice. Phyisiologically, I may need a stimulant like prozac. Though I will talk to my docs on my next appointment. It could be something like bad environment pulling me down. Who knows. Probaly not the psychs, I read thier books. I know what thier going to try to say. If I were them, I would say something like PTSD from the tumor with some hormonal problems from lack of pituary gland and perhaps a bit of a inferiority complex. Though that isn't accurate because they say I can't analyze myself because I'm biased and can't see my blind spots that others perhaps can.
That is all, if your reading this, your a "POWER" reader. If you want, let me know and I will comment on your diary, "more POWER to you". Or whatever you want me to type. If this is Michelle, HI. I LOVE U. Ask me to give you a "more power to you" hug and kiss. :D
The hug and kiss applys only to Michelle. Void where prohibted by law. Offer not vaild in Puerto Rico. Some restrictions may apply. Must redeem hug and kiss by March 31, 2004. See store for further details.
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