I woke up early this morning and actually called up and got a ride for church. While getting ready though, me and my mom get into a huge argument. She talks about how I'm a hypocrite and how I shouldn't go. I try not to mind her to much and wait for my ride. Eventually,Alberto came around 8 in his fancy sports car. *I forgot what kind, but its a 2-seater and has a glass top part that is removable* Anyways, we eventually arrive at the church and everyone is dressed up. I feel kinda weird cause I show up in a 49ers jersey and black shorts. They don't mind and I hear one of them tell me that God doesn't care what I come in but that I atleast come. So I take my seat and the service begins.

Its been awhile since I been to church service. I had to pray to God several times to keep me involved and awake. Not only that, but I wanted to be sincere about what I was singing and stuff. *songs talking about thanks for all the happiness God brings and stuff* Eventually, its time for communion. That is when Crawadog comes over to me and talks to me. He shows me a verse about taking it unworthingly and how if I haven't been following God throughout the week I probaly should let the bread and the wine pass me. So eventually, the bread passes by and I pass it without taking it. I felt so left out. I felt like I was being looked at. *though no one said anything else about that to me later* After the service which took about 3 hours, I was pooped.

I sat in my chair just waiting for I don't know what. Eventually, Alberto and a couple others went to lunch. I was kinda there with just a few people when Crawadog offered me a lunch. He took me to area where they handed out peanut butter sandwiches. Was ok. After that, everyone was talking about going out on outreach. I didn't want to go at that moment, I felt like I needed to be outreached to if anything. Though a lil after me discussing my concerns with a few, Rebecca came over and showed me a few verses talking about sharing the bible and stuff. She then invites me outside. I follow. We talk. I stick close to her while out there and try to spark up a few conversations. Went ok. I wonder if she has any idea that I like her. I also wonder if she likes me. Though doubtful, it'd be nice. Eventually I go inside and I am asked if i'm going on outreach, I say yeah.

I go with this guy named Alan. He is nice *like everyone else there* though I can sense he has a lil agression in him. *He comes off as a big brother, I wonder if he is* Anyways, we go and talk to people. The people we talk to seem to wanna brush us off, as I expected they'd want to do. Like this asian couple started talking to us before they knew we were out there talking about the bible. Then, when we showed them some stuff, they started to say they speak lil English. They then leave. Also, there were alot of I'm a christian already and busy, I got more important things to do. Then there were those that were just kinda nice and heard us out but I think they just were polite kinds. Anyways, we leave and I feel kinda good. Even though I didn't say much at all, it was nice trying to do something good.

We ride back and there is another sermon. It wasn't that good to me. I had to go to the bathroom twice that time. *bathroom is like my sanctuary* After that was through, everyone was gonna go to the park and play. By then, its like 4PM. Alberto then takes me to his place for awhile.

He don't live alone, he lives with almost everyone I interact with. Crawadog, Alan, and I'm not sure if this guy Brad lives there or not. It was nice there and fun to watch them interact. They were in the kitchen and I was in the living room. I watched as they colored some stuff for Alan. *some Biology class he has* I think it was a blessing in disguise to watch them. I got to see the more human side of them. Alan seemed to be impatient and Alberto timid. Crawadog comes off as relaxed and casual. *I really like Crawadog, he comes and talks to me when I'm alone and he is just cool. He is a people person for sure. I kinda wish I could be like him. I mean, there isn't a person there that I can think of who can't help but get along with him. He has this charisma* Anyways, we eventually head to the park.

While going there, we stop off near a KFC. While there, there was a woman begging. She initally asked for money for food. When we asked her if she wanted some of our chicken, she then said she wanted Jimboys. Then we offered to take her there, she then said she wasn't hungry and really needed tampoons. After offering to buy her the tampoons, she insisted that it was too embarrassing and refused. Eventually, we just buy the chicken and leave.

At the park, everyone is there. When i say everyone, I mean the WHOLE church. Its unlike what I'm used to. I'm used to just a few from the church just going to after church events. Anyways, there is basketball and baseball going on. I go to play a lil basketball. I do alright. It is time to eat. I look at the food and there is lots of food, from KFC to pizza to rice. I get my food and sit away from everyone. I was gonna sit with someone, but I wasn't sure who I'd want to sit with, all seemed like closed off circles, so I go sit alone. I eat and watch a lil baseball. After that, i go off to the basketball courts.

At the basketball courts, I see a few of the russians and Adam. They want to play 2 on 2 even though there is me and this other guy wanting to play. At that moment, I felt very resentful. I went over to the other guy and told him we weren't the right people. "If I was Crawadog and you were Alan, we'd be playing right now" He agreed and left. I left and then grabbed my bible. That is when Crawadog asked if I wanted to play baseball. I told him it looked to busy there. *there was about 15 people per team* So I walk off with my bible and go read on a bench.

At the bench, the pastors 4 year old son came by and asked why I was there. I told him I didn't much care for sports and the only people sitting and talking were the sisters. I also told him I didn't like what happened to people when they play sports because they act alot more meaner. He then said, "what about my dad" I told him his dad is ok but most there aren't. He then rides away in his bike. I later go by the baseball game. Crawadog is like,"hey tino, Play some baseball" I tell him I don't want to play it cause I'm not good and and I don't like the people act while playing sports. He was like, "why don't you just talk to some of them and watch" I tell him I don't know any of them and they all look comfortable in their clicks. He then says loud enough for most of them to hear,"OH TINO, Don't Say that, THEY AREN'T ALL IN CLICKS" A few heads whipped around, including Rebecca's. I was then mad and went to go sit down away from the game. I watched and all of them seemed to be enjoying themselves. I went to look for Alberto to take me home and I see him coming from basketball courts. *seems they were playing full court with 5-on-5* So he tells me he'll find me a ride cause he has to go to family's house or what not. So he tells Clement. I talk with him briefly and then leave. He says he would've stay longer had his joints not acted up. He then tells me I should've enjoyed the sports going on. I try to explain myself and he gets a cell call. He spends rest of time on that phone. He does get off and share something In psalms with me. I then leave and come home.

I get there to find that my mom is drunk. *her day off* I go in my room and find my lil bro there. My lil sis is in her room. He is on her bed. It is only 8:30PM. I ask what is wrong, she is mad at my mom, apparently they got into it. My lil sis tells me that my mom is drunk and that she had the worse day. Her lil club she made with friends is falling apart cause they say she is too bossy. SHe is also mad cause I guess my mom took her friends side over her's during a meeting. After that, I give her some advice and tell her not to trip off my mom, that it used to be alot worse. My lil sis feels a lil better and plays in her room. I then go to sleep.

I had some pretty wicked dreams at night. All of them have to do with the various issues I have. Seems I can't totally escape them. I think for awhile at night about various things. I came to the conclusion that I have a lot of negative self perceptions. Alot of them having some truth to them. Anyways, I do make it through the night and write this entry on Monday after having some more arguments with my mom.

All in all a good day, though I'm still unnerved about huge amount of negative feelings I have towards myself and others. Seems that God isn't taking them away fast enough. I know he works in his time and stuff. I'm just impatient. I want to feel happy. Anyways, that is all. ~END~