Hmmm. what to talk about. Well my mom got me a crib, a mattress for it, a mobile, and a baby bumper thingy. She spent a whole crap load of money. I think she spent atleast $400. I really apprecitated it, however, me and Michelle felt she didn't spend that 400 to its highest potential. The baby bumper thingy, with a lil blanket, some valance thing and sheet was $60 at babies r us. Are you kidding me?! It does look nice though. Still...

I see that my mom has changed much lately. I think she realizes that her time here is limited. Though the amount of time she talks about not having a lot of time makes me wonder if she was diagnosed with something and not telling us. She has been drinking alchol since she was 13. Who knows....Hope not.

More than I can say about Michelle's parents, who only want to give us used clothing. They tried to act like they didn't know what else babies needed. (didn't they raise 4 children and isn't that what gift cards do?!) Though that would be too much for them. Anything that costs money that doesn't have a potential for return is not good business. Bah, screw them. We don't want used clothes. A) They got money. B) What good are 15 year old clothes C) We're not THAT desperate. *poor, but not broke*

Also, her sister Hing, who we've helped we so much, who intially said she'd send some money, is nowhere to be found now. Not that we need her money, just, as I said before, money is symbolic for care. Shit, she could send $2 and that would be cool. Not that I even care much about her contribution, but Michelle is hurt by it.

Again, I am really glad my mom got me the stuff. That's more money for other stuff. Just....I wish she had helped me when we were homeless. I don't really need the money like I used to. I just hate that in a sense. Maybe should've had a baby then. I wish the amount of sympathy we got now could be transported to the past. I'm just not as grateful anymore. I'm still hurt from the aloofness I experienced back then. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever really get over my past.

I know I know, its "IN THE PAST, GET OVER IT". I know that ideology. The problem is that part of who I am is composed of the past. My personality and feelings are built on what happened to me. Everyone's is. The longer a wound goes unhealed, the more "infected" it gets. If it were treated when it first developed, it would not have become such a problem. So now, it takes a lot more to undo what happened than what would've been. Knowing the process doesn't make it go away, contrary to what I *and many psych majors probaly intially* believed. A skilled psychologist could make the wound seem smaller than it is and offer possible treatments. However, it is usually up to the client to go out in the world to get the treatment. So in a sense, the recovery is dependent on whether others make an effort to try and cure you. You can't just say, "I want to be loved, wa la, I am loved" It takes someone else to do it to you...

I think what really makes me depressed *and others* is knowledge that life doesn't have to be this way. Some people have all thier wounds healed by someone. Some people are showered with love. Some people get lucky. In a way, getting loved by someone is just that, luck. There are people that spill thier hearts and get nothing but pain in return. Then, there are people who do very little and have the right person fall into thier laps. That knowledge is what hurts. This pain is unnecessary...

Yet, damn my critical thinking, I have to look at the pros in my life too. *everyone has pros* I got Michelle, who loves me sometimes. I got all my limbs. I got a place where I can express myself. Though its not fun to be so balanced. Right now I feel negative damnit. In a way, I don't wanna feel ok. I wanna listen to some angry/sad song. This feeling is oddly comforting. Its been my predominant feeling for so long that its something I've gotten used to. I feel it is oddly protective, like wearing a heavy coat on a day that is only expected to be moderately cool. ummm....Maybe a bad analogy, I should consult kaliko for a better one. She's good at those... Yea...well, its adaptive. I know I'll never have the type of relationships I always wanted. I think if this relationship with Michelle and stuff doesn't work out, I'm just gonna be destructive to myself. I guess that sounds odd to whoever reads that, given what I know about psychology and what not. Yet, I think it would be quite symbolic. Afterall, most of our actions really stand for something else. One of the major reasons for the way we act is based on how others treat and percieve us. Would it not makes sense that if others see you as nothing that you as a result treat yourself that way?