Hmmmm. Never thought I'd be writing bout this. Didn't think I'd even consider it. However, life is unpredictable.

Anyways, that is what was on my mind today. Thought about it since the morning. Why today? I dunno. Today I gave up my faith in God. That belief has been the only thing that has prevented me. Without him, I have no purpose. Stupid reasoning, perhaps. Stupid thing, yeah. STupid life, uh huh.

However, before all of you start going into alert mood, know as of now that this thought is out of my mind, for now. Reason, would like to say honey, she chatted with me and gave her best advice. However, she wasn't the one that diswayed me. Was Ray. Without him knowing it too. Told him of my disbelief. He found ways to prove to me that there is indeed a God that loves us. Was over the phone too. Which helps, cause hearing a caring voice is alot better than seeing cold text. *no matter what cute color you put on it*

But why? WHy decide to even think such a stupid thing. THe obvious answer, the pain. The emotional stress that has been around me since I was little. THe logic, rid self of pain. Seems like no matter who I talk to, they can't seem to remove it. How could they, they can't undue the misery. We can reflect on it, say it wasn't that bad. Whatever. Doesn't null the pain. Also, the potential for worse pain scares me. What if someone like my lil bro and sis dies. Or what if I get paralyzed. Or blind. Or worse. There is always worse. I'm not so sure I could handle any more.

Why not just do it then? Well, I know that it wont get me anywhere. I won't get to enjoy the peace of mind I seek. I will end up worse when I die. No matter what religon you go by, suicide gets you to the bad place. Also, fear. fear of actually doing it. Fear that I may not do it right and in the process make myself worse. Not only that, I got obligations to lil bro and sis. Wouldn't be fair to pass on the pain. Just thinking about potential pain they'd suffer hurts me. Maybe more than the pain i'm going through now.

Now what? Well, for now I'm back to believing in God. He is what keeps me ticking wheter I want him to or not. I didn't think me not believing would have this effect on me. Thought maybe I be atheist, be a-ok. No, not for me. He's embedded into my personal being. With him out of my life, its like taking out my eyes and heart.

What about your day? Well, obviously not one of my finer days. Lots of crying self to sleep. Ate a lil. Did talk to Jeff earlier. Though i hid the way I was feeling from him. Lot of thinking on bed. Lots of self-pity. *pathetic, very* Lots of envy. Lots of pessimissim. Lots of anger. JUST LOTS of that kind of stuff. Lil bro and sis played video games and watched tv. Im sure they didn't even notice the internal stuggle I was going through.

Wow, that's alot. May make entry private later. Something I sure don't wanna talk about to Jeff or megan. Will tuck this away in the dark corner of my brain. Anyways, I'm, um, alright. DOn't worry, i'm not gonna do anything. Take care everyone. ~END~