Well, I finally talked to my big brother. Apprantly, he broke up with his girlfriend Angela because she cheated on him and because their relationship wasn't going well anyway. While that is that, he then tells me that he needs a place to stay. I tell him that Michelle will never forgive him for the stuff he's done to us. *thus the title, YEAH RIGHT* He says he understands. He then insists that he has changed now. He says he's been very depressed and has turned to God. Which is good considering how he use to tease me about being so religous and this has brought him down to Earth. However, talk is cheap to me. It's all in the actions. His plan is to stay with either me *no happening* or my mom for a couple of months while he "stacks some cash". Meanwhile, he keeps his new car and doesn't want to pay some rent. Then, he says, he wants to go back with Angela because he thinks she still loves him and he is the reason they broke up. *BUT SHE CHEATED* Somehow, he thinks she wouldn't do it again if he changed. Even wants to marry her. The same girl that is keeping the place and moving in the guy she was having sex with. And then he tells me he wants to go in to psychology or sociology. Yeah, he needs psychology, in a mental home that is. I then hang up.

After thinking of it, I remember, if he moves in with my mom, that will be really bad. I plan to move with her to Alex's apartment next month. This can't happen. I call my mom. She says that she isn't going to let him stay there. Plus, he apprantly doesn't want to move in with some roomate because he don't want to pay $400. So I'm ok when I hear that.

I tell Michelle and she is shocked about Ricky. I then remember, my mom didn't let me stay where she was when I needed a place. Neither did Ricky. I had to lose over $1000 at a F#$#@ing motel. If she lets him move in there, I will NEVER EVER talk to her again. I even cryed on the phone to her and she wouldn't. She had even lied to me about there not being a free room. There was. The dog uses it. THE DOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I call my mom back.

She insists that he isn't going to live there. Then she says she don't know if she wants to move with me to West Sac because moving counties would make her be off the Section 8 list. *think subsidized rent, only $50 for a $500 place* However, we already applied for a 2 bedroom. If she flakes on me on that, that too will lead me to not talking to her. If she moves Rick in and not moves in with me, I will be very hurt. Can't do much, but I won't attend her funeral, that's how serious this is to me.

Phew.......... Taking a few deep breathes. A lil angry. I'm still angry that I couldn't move in with my mom where she is now. Anyways, got those comments you left me people. Gives me alot to think about. I always find myself thinking about comments during free time. I then think about what I think of them and even have imaginary conversations sometimes. Sadly, I have more of those than real conversations these days. LOL.

Been thinking more and more about God lately. He's in my thoughts more. I'm more grateful that I'm alive. Sometimes, I debate whether its God or just my subconsious. However, I hate that I can't have any faith. I feel like I have to prove everything I believe. I hate that about myself. I wish I could just believe. I know I'd be so much happier that way. I'm also afraid to lose myself. Believing in God can't just be a choice, its a lifestyle. Then, I feel so guilty of everything I do and think. Not to mention worrying that I made the wrong choice and find that I did all this stuff for nothing. Yet, I shouldn't be expecting an award. And lastly, I don't believe in absoulte good and evil. I find there is alot of gray. So this is me right now.