I call him and he tries to talk to me. However, I didn't really want to talk to him and point-blanked asked him if he were getting the money or not. He took it as ungratefulness. Though I had been lied to him many times. I explained that today was the last day for the all-ride bracelet and that if this was going to happen, it was going to happen today. So sure enough, he comes by.

He's there and I can't help but smile when I see his stupid ass out there actually trying to be a decent human being. He had a birthday card with 2 tickets to the fair, $76 dollars and 2 coke bottles. He wrote in the card "Happy T-day... Get it Tino Day!!! Ha Ha Just a lil sumtin 2 let you know I luv u no matter what :) Hope you guys Have FUn at the Fair!!! You have to eat at the BBQ Joint in the food court! BBQ Tri-tip sandwich&Giant polish dogs....mmn. TTYL *Heart* Ya. YER BRO.

Too many explaination marks if you ask me is my first impression. Second thing is, Luv, yeah right. I know he is trying to turn his lil image around and wants to make the connection work again. *guilty conscience* Though he has literally costed me $1000's. Its a start and since I know how important money is to him, I suppose i have to talk to him now. Just, I still don't trust him. I know that the popular concept is that people change. Though psychology says that personality remains relatively stable. The only thing that has changed is his finacial situation and the fact that our environment isn't shared. The fact that he doesn't give any child support to his 2 children *finacially or emotional* isn't lost on me. He doesn't even mention them to his new girlfriends. There is more, but this entry isn't about him.

So anyways, I'm about to go to the fair and Michelle is fighting with me. She was mad because today is my "happy" day but I didn't do things to give her a happy day. *think her birthday* Its just a bad situation on both ends. Anyways, we end up going.

We get there and realize those cokes give us a $10 discount on bracelets. We go on a bunch of rides. Michelle is a fraidy cat and doesn't go on a lot of rides, though she did go on some that were somewhat scary. Me on the other hand, I fear no ride. I've been like that for a long time. If I see it go high into the air, spin upside down and go really fast, I've got to go on it. I go so far as to raise my hands while spinning upside down maybe 100 feet in the air. I really enjoy flying. I wish I could fly. They had this one ride that you lay on your tummy and move like you're flying. That was fun.

THere is so many rides that we got on that I honestly think it take an hour to recall the day step by step. Suffice it to say that 4 hours into it, we had to go eat and rest. We both felt like we were still moving! We left the fair for a while to eat at Burger King. At 10:00PM, we watched fireworks while sitting on some grass. It was a nice scene in that a small pond was maybe 15 ft away as the fireworks boomed only a few feet away. Being exhausted, we left.

That is all that happened beside Michelle eating some Udon. Um... felt like I wanted to say something else. Oh yeah, any of you guys know anything about uploading camcorder video to the computer? I want to post some videos online. Just, I can't figure out how. Next year, I want to take the camcorder to the fair and record it. I think that'd be awesome.

What a difference a few days can make. Today was a 9/10. Tomorrow, I plan to go to church, against my better judgement. Giving it a chance knowing I'll feel more resentful for it later. I just can't talk to those people. Not the way I want to. I wish all of them were you guys instead. I'd love to sit down and just delve into all these questions about faith and the bible over some tea or something. These people are just familiar strangers. I mean, if I told them that I thought that perhaps they are delusional, would they disregard my genuine desire to join them in thier bliss?

I guess they don't see it as bliss. They would see me as lost, needing prayer and the holy spirit. DO I? Nah. Well, it couln't hurt. I need purpose and happiness. I don't see any other route. The sorrow of knowing how fucked we may be is too much for me to bear. THe meaninglessness is maddening. THere is really no reason to wake up and press forward otherwise. Maybe to survive I guess.

I notice that I say I guess and I dunno a lot. I suppose that is because I don't know what the heck is real. A lot of life is completely subjective. Is the world getting better? SURE! Is the world going down the drain? SURE! However you want to look at it. Am I ugly? I guess you could all psychological on me and measure the amount of symettry in my face and the size of my eyes and nose for some sort of objective answer. Though I know some people would rate me a 7 while others would rate me a 3 1/2. I like to take things like that and just go for the middle. We'll say 5 3/4. Trying to upload a pic. Harder than I thought. Myspace won't let me, some error. This should work.

IF that don't work, try this, http://server6.pictiger.com/img/559375/picture-hosting/us.php

As I look at the pic, I think the pic makes Michelle look TOO white. It doesn't really do me justice. Plus, now my hair looks spikey. Those dark circles aren't flattering either. I'm sure you guys probaly see something different than what I see. I can hardly see the postive in the pic. I mean, to me, Michelle also has a chubby face there. HEHEH. I guess I can understand how so many people get confused when I tell them that I'm 26. I get people who really think I'm lying. Would you sell me liquour?

Yeah, um, what was my point? Who cares. I think that is my problem too. I go too much into this intellectual zone all the time. Like, do I think I'm some professor? I mean, seriously, what is with all the analysis all the time? No wonder I don't have many friends, I'm like a walking textbook! I mean, its great when I'm in your psychology group, but during casual conversation. And gosh, if I'm wrong about this no God thing and humans being relatively evil thing, I'm running around spewing nonsense. IS that why you guys are here? To help me? Am I like a sheep who's trying to tell the shepard where to go?

Obviously, I don't have you guys singing my praises, so that must be it. I've read comments other people give you guys, and they always say like, your entry was a blessing or YOU ARE SO RIGHT! Me, its like, well, I understand where you're coming from tinoz, but actually, life is really like this! Then I'm left thinking, are these people completely nuts or are they on to something. Usually, I think both and end up at, well, it can be true if I want it to be true.

Hmm, how am I gonna wake up for church. Its 2:46AM! I'll find a way. Ray doesn't even know I'll be calling him. I never gave him a reply. I wonder if he'll tell me why he and his girl fought. Damnit, I'm gonna persist til I get it out of him. That is one thing about me, I'm very persistant. Do you guys think I have the right to know why they fought? Is that "too much in his business" or is it "perfectly ok to be curious about the fight because it ended the night on an off-note and I deserve an explaination." Well, you know what I think, I'm asking the crap out of him tomorrow, er, later. If he don't tell me, I don't know if I should be offended or not. *OFCOURSE NOT BE OFFENDED, the psych in me says* I think then I will be offended. Ha, emotions always rule!

Geeze, I've been really chatty lately. I think I consider you guys important again. Kinda feel like I should let you in instead of keeping you out. I just got to make sure I don't project too much. Sometimes I think you guys like me as much as I like you guys. I also start to put expectations which is an irrational response. I realize that I have this problem of either putting up the walls really high or just so letting them down that the stupidest thing makes me hurt. I'm working on managing it. Its so much easier to either love someone or hate them. This inbetween thing is uncomfortable for me. I know its logical, but its hard emotionally. I know at moments that I can be the pefectly balanced adult, though I also realize that I enjoy being extreme. I dunno, I think I want to hug people and not worry about protecting myself. Just.... life doesn't allow that.

Have you guys seen any difference in me from July to now? I ask because I've been on testostrone as well as a few other hormones cuz the tumor thingy. Am I more aggressive? Michelle had said I became a lil more aggressive. Its weird, a chemical or two can change some of your personality. I will say this, I feel a lil different since the testostorone. I feel more....male? I think about sex more often. Maybe a few less genderish issues. *that's a long story that I won't rehash here, I'm just not THAT comfortable with that here. I'll tell you individually, but not as a public post* Anyways, ah, should I delete this paragraph? No, salted says no. *the virtual salted in my head* ok..now I have to write something else.

Do I ever say postive things about myself? I dunno, I think these entries make me seem more, um, disordered than I am. As they do for all of you guys. I like science fiction and fantasy games. *is that postive or does that make me more of a dork?* I'm not evil. *who says they are?* I like cats over dogs. *hah, points scored with kaliko* Though Michelle doesn't really care for them. *so much for those points* Wow, this is hard. I want to help people. *but you're not currently* I um, um, non-judgemental. Well...I guess you could say that all people make some sort of judgements, but relatively speaking, I won't shun you cuz of a failing of yours. I'll buy you something if I meet you. *postcard count? LOL* Ok, I got to end on a postive note. If you say you want to suicide, I'll spend hours trying to get you to stop. Or if you just want advice, I'll give you so much that you'll be forced to discard some of it. *SMILE* Oh, a smile is postive. :)