I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.
- Jack Handey

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
- Jack Handey

think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.
- Jack Handey

When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?" When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel that way.
- Jack Handey

If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien!
- Jack Handey