You know during high school, I always tried to find myself. I didn't know if I wanted to be a rocker, a geek, a partier, or what. Finally, I come to this point where I totally understand what I want in life and how to achieve it. While that sounds great, the problem is that I just don't know whether to accept what I am. Pop psychology says "Always accept and be yourself" Well doesn't that just sound nice. What if I'm possessive? Not that I am, but for argument's sake. Should I accept my flaws? Obviously not, but then what? At what point do I say I want to be a "better" person and when do I say, I'm good enough as it is? Who's to say what is better? Everyone has an opinion as to what is better. Do I become more selfless at the risk of being taken advantage of? Do I become more selfish, take care of myself, but alienate others? I guess I call this period in my life the crossroads.

I genuinely believe that I can go either way with my life. I can be a die-hard christian. I can also be some amoral sexual freak that just enjoys all the little plesures that it can bring. Nothing wrong with sexuality, but at some point people tend to become very selfish and superficial. Likely, I'll end up some weird mix. That's where I am right now. Yet this is exactly what bothers me. My whole life I'm too inbetween to make the connections I desire. I'm too white for Mexicans and I'm too Mexican for white people. I'm too liberal for the christians but too conserative for the liberals. I like to talk more intellectually than the average person, but not smart enough to be up there with the genuius'. I feel there is no place for me. The only people that I find really similar to me are online, a few 1000 miles away at that.

No matter what I know I'm a person who desires deep connections with people. Though something always goes wrong. Online, people I get along with really well are never available or, they used to be available and now they're too busy. Mostly legitimate reasons, but still doesn't help. Offline, people are a lot more reserved face-to-face. I've worked on myself to be more open. Its just that I find that people have these reinforced walls or manipulative ways of acting. Not like I am the most loveable soul you ever come across either. I think maybe I'm too serious or shy sometimes.

I know I shouldn't be shy, but there are things about me that I really aren't comfortable discussing. Plus, I tend to mirror more than average. If the person is a quiet person, I tend to bring out my quiet side. If the person just talks and talks, I talk and talk. I guess I mirror because I'm still deciding on my identity. So yeah, if you see me contradict myself, its because that's what I am, a contradiction. Sometimes I go against my sayings or even my beliefs. Michelle can tell you all about that. I usually mean well though. I know I'm not evil. Just I'm not necessarily good all the time. I'm very gray. Or maybe I'm like the Yin and yan symbol: click You see how there it is white with a black circle and black with a white circle. That to me means that there is some bad in the good and some good in the bad. That's me! There's good in my bad actions and some bad in my good actions. *what bad in good?* Helping someone because you know you'll get help from them later. *I try not to do that* You may be thinking, good in the bad? Yeah. Think about when you betray someone's trust because you meant well. Anyways, that's all. Thanks for reading me. You have earned 200 frequent reader points towards a free trip to .............