Living a False life | DearDiary.Net

Here I up, so late that it is now early. Played some online games. Was bored and needed some stress relief. (counter strike) I guess I'm ok with the active deception of self efficacy which is video games. Need to feel good at something, even if you aren't really accomplishing anything. Still one of my great delusions I go into. That and Tv. I still am into a lot of tv. Its one way to actively check out of this life. Can't be what I want.... so I guess I settle for this crap. I think I've come to the realization that I will never have what I always wanted. I mean seriously, its just not happening. I guess the contradictory beliefs of mines ensure that atleast I get something I want. Michelle and I were just talking about what I really want from the relationship as the relationship hasn't been doing so hot. *unlike the weather lately* She is still mad at me for the past. I can't seem to get over my desire. Some bad habits/thoughts are hard to give up. Sometimes, in cases like this, vagueness is intentiaonal. Wow, I can't concentrate. tired. maybe more later.

Comments (3)

salted (Legacy)

HOw can you come to the conclusion at your age that you will never hgave what you want????????? That is just depressive bull crap! Jr. sure is a cutie! We don't totally understand statements like you can't let go of your desire and what she is still resenting from your past???? At least you aren't in a hurricane or an earthquake, so there is some thing to be grateful for

Richardsworld (Legacy)

What a cute baby :) Vagueness is a self-illusion, a smoke screen to hide the truth. At your age it may be that in reality you don't yet know what you really want out of life or a relationship. Desires come in many forms. The past? Did you cheat? What does Michelle want out of the relationship? It's way to early to give up on what you want in life and a little late in the marraige department to doubt it's ability to provide you with happiness. Details and openess are the only way to look at any issue logically. Everything in life is only going to be what you make it so why not actively check out into reality and get high on life and make things happen. You have so much going for you, you just need to step back and look at it.

salted (Legacy)

You obviously harbor some resentments some of which i expect are directed at me. I know yuo feel that I've let you down as I haven't sent the baby clothes but you wrote such a entry about how you didn't want may used clothes, in refference to her parents that I didn't want to insult you! YOu know i have never don anything but support you. Yes there are things YOU should be grateful for...YOu son for one who is missing from most of your entries and that suprises me. In the beginning you were worried about him not being right but now that he is you need to thank your lucky stars. In one sentence to me you state that you didn't get where you are in school by giving up and the the next minute you ARE giving up at your age. no the loss of my Niece's house can not be changed but they would not trade all the losses for one of their lives, so yes they are grateful!!! Maybe they are strange but that does comfort them. YOu want to remember that I was the one who got you what ever you did get from the d.d. people, because the pot was half empty you choose to see it as totally empty. There ain't nothin you can tell me about being poor son, been there done that, even as an adult! Count your blessings even if you feel they are few. It's life.