We end up not even speaking. My partner Mechelle wants even more help on her analysis but I want to catch the bus and I load her on another group. *I've probaly spent 3 hours with her analysis, more than with my own* I can't babysit her through the class. So that ends that.

Fastforward to later on. I get home and my mom is yelling at me about the stove. We get into a huge argument over that and how she talks about Michelle even though Michelle don't talk about her. It gets so loud in fact that the cops show up. Though by then everything is alright. That was weird.

Well, come to find out that Michelle DIDN'T have her period yet. She's even felt sick lately. So that is unnerving to me. Plus, she wants to "keep" the kid if she pregnant. This isn't something I want right now in my life. We'd have to be on welfare and rely on the not so reliable government. I talked to her about abortion and she isn't in to that. In the weirdest way, me exposing her to spirituality has caused her being against that. Not where I currently stand on the issue. I want a kid, don't get me wrong. Its just we're not ready mentally or finacially. I could be ready mentally, but without the finaces, it'd be doubly tough. I'm not going to have some kid struggle the way I did, waiting on stupid food stamps and waiting for some check in the mail. So with that in mind, I'll probaly push for an abortion. Either that or adoption, though that isn't likely because Michelle is against "abandoning" her child just so they can find you later.

Ultimately, she's the one who'd live with any pain that would be caused, thus I leave it up to her. *plus she's the one who has to go through the procedures* If she had the kid, I'd be an additional strain on the relationship. The way it is now, we'd likely break up. Though my plan would be to get joint custody. No matter what, i'd be apart of the kid's life because all kids need dads. Well, lets hope she's just late and then we take even better precautions. This is my least favorite subject. I feel damned either way. You know what would be ideal, if the pro-lifers gave money to those that didn't have the abortion. Though as we all know, they're all mostly repulicans and thus believe your on your own in that department. So they're thinking goes a lil like that, "Have this kid PLEASE, but once you do, don't come crying to us for help"

Anyways, enough of that. I don't know if I put it but I got rejected from UC Davis. It still bothers me. I just missed it too. Letters from UCLA and UC San Diego are to follow soon. Though I have little hope now. IF Davis don't want me, LA or San Diego won't. They're better schools. So I have failed at one of my long term goals. Michelle will end up going to a different college than me soon. Unlike me, she will likely be accepted to all 3. Since it carries her major, she'll likely go to Davis. It hurts more than I let on because I really thought I would be there, especially with 2 semesters of 3.5 transferable work. Still, my past held me back. *sigh*

Tomorrow I have to get around to talking to these docs about my tumor. They've been lazy in getting back to me. Though in a way it feels like good news. IF it was so bad, wouldn't they have contacted me? I dunno. In an odd way I want to have it. Maybe then people in my family *including Michelle* will yell at me less. Maybe the disability will finally help me. Maybe they'll get rid of the rest once and for all. Maybe 1 percent of me is still suicidal. I dunno. I'm weird like that. Maybe no one will care again, like last time. Maybe I'll still be rejected from disability because its not termed terminal yet. Yet, depression qualifies??! Maybe the surgery will mess me up more than last time. Maybe I will get my odd lil request and die. Maybe I'll meet God and he will condemn me. Perhaps its just nothingness. However, I'll never know if it is just nothingness. *sucks doesn't it* I wonder if friends would visit or even send me cares this time. Somehow I doubt that. I'll tell them and they'll offer words of sorrow for me, yet offer no relief. Typical. I'm so disillusioned with people, you have no idea. Yet, I am no better than them.

Right now I'm thinking of Sam. He always has "advice" for me. Basically, he preaches about this and that and feels bad for me. Yet, he only knows little about me, and I know even less about him. We never talk outside of school. Online, my "friends" know alot about me and vice versa. Its awesome on one level. Though when you really think about it, on another level, does it matter? Do I outrank your real life friends? Do you outrank mines? Not likely in either case. Something about the face to face interaction that changes things.

Well this entry could be for not if michelle has her period and my MRI comes out negative. Some ideas I want to privatize, but I see that as decietful. Umm, just lost a part of my entry, so that's it for now. Thanks though for enduring through this pointless entry. Your important to me than you think