Ok, well after some time in by herself, me and ray are motioned into the ultrasound area. *nope, my mom never showed up, though she was given over a month's notice and had said she was cleared to take the day off. That's a whole 'nother entry* We go and there the baby is on the screen. The baby is a fatty now. Very active. Many pictures were taken. We see the heart beating and its other body parts. The doctor tells us to prepare for the gender. The doctor starts to zoom into the genital area. It becomes apparent what the gender is. Michelle notes that she knew all along it was. The doctor makes it official, IT'S A BOY!

Ray says, "congradulations, you're gonna have a lil you running around!" Smiles are shared throughout the room. Before we go, the baby makes what appears to be a waving motion. It may be conincidence and just randomness, *as the baby couldn't possibly know what was going on* but it was special to me and Michelle. Leaving the hospital, we were all abuzz about this tantalizing new information.

Besides that, we went to see Carmen at her job. Since I last wrote, he had broken up with her after his mom found out and didn't go to church. He didn't want to alienate her from church so decided it was for the best to break up with her. He consulted me and I had said that logically, she doesn't have what you want, but emotions are a different story. *he stayed 5 hours at my house and we talked about it* He ended up back with her. So anyways, we go and she is very friendly. It is not a surprise that she is a head marketer for the company she works with. She SO seems like a spokesperson for a company too. We had wanted her to come with us to eat but she didn't want to. *later we find out she went to work out* She's a bit self-conscious about herself. I hesitate to go into too much detail since Ray expressed concern for how much I share about him and his stuff on here. *hehehe, I should've never told em* So anyways, we passed by a mall and Michelle wanted to share a cinnabun with me. *she was starving and ray didnt want to go out and eat* so Ray, be as nice as he is, was cool with it, despite the parking situation. We went and got it and that was cool.

Me and Ray have a natural flow to our conversations. We are definately on the same page. After some browsing in the mall, we go home.

Me and Michelle are happy about the baby's gender. We had preferred a girl, but only very slightly. What is more important is that it comes out healthy. That's what I want from my baby. I will enjoy having a son to follow in my footsteps. So yeah, I am happy regardless. The only point of concern was the amount of movement in the baby just seemed slightly abnormal. I had read by 5 months, they don't move as much. But I am confident that everything will be ok. What I worry besides the health is the money situation. Right now, Me and Michelle do fine on our own. But for the kind of life I want for this child, I am unsure. I don't want him to have to grow up poor like me. Gawd, it just sucked. I don't want him to always want stuff but only see other children getting it. I think we can survive with what we have. We won't die. But will we thrive? Will there be a backyard with a playground that my kid could play in, or will we live in some ghetto apartments where the only yard is made of concrete passages? I dunno....just a lot of concern...

Speaking of concern, I have quite a bit for my G.P.A. Finals week was this week. You'd think I would be happy as I know I got 1 A, 1B, and possibly another A on the way. However, I got an F in my psych statistics class. This is the first F I got since my freshmen year. In that class, I didn't try. What's concerning about this F is the amount of time and effort I spent on it. I quit my job to work on it and got a D average on my tests. The paper is what sunk me. I just couldn't get it. I didn't know how to read the staticial analysis program SAS. It wasn't for lack of trying. I asked the teacher aide that taught the class but she refused to help me; even when I asked specific questions. I believe her attitude was such after the class didn't do so well on exam 2 and complained. She had a whole rant about how students not trying hard enough and how we wanted to be spoon fed. Ofcourse, hearing this, me and another girl had to speak our minds. Thought I don't think it mattered to her. It could've been part of the reason she didn't want to help. That and I was stuck on areas others had passed up. Though after being rejected a third time, I got upset and openly said, "IT IS YOUR JOB TO HELP US! WHY ARE YOU ACTING THIS WAY" She responded with a "If you can't figure it out, then perhaps your at the wrong university" *ouch* I said, "wow, very professional. Your being a jerk considering you're paid to help us." She said, "If you don't like me, I will work with someone else". That was that....Without being able to read the information from the program, there was no way I could write the paper.......

WHile I could easily blame her, it won't really matter the graduate schools. They don't care about your reasons. Excuses in thier eyes. You either got it or don't. Especially in such a critical requirement class. I'm sure I could retake the class and do well, but will it matter to them? From what I've heard, a 3.4 GPA isn't that impressive to the grad programs as it is. What the hell is an F gonng do for me in THAT class. I feel a part of my dream has died. I am unsure I will go to graduate school......The sadness I feel about this isn't quite conveyed well in words. The grade has put a damper on all the happyness I should be feeling as the quarter ends and I have the time off. THough with that time, I will be thinking about how stupid I am for blowing this. Yes, it is not the end of the world, but perhaps the end of a dream...

I can't even upload the ultrasound pictures right now. The printer/scanner died on me. Cheap crap. It lasted all of 1 year. I didn't buy it; Michelle's dad did, but now it will be us that will have to replace it.

On the positive side, kaliko sent another gift card. That was surpring. I seen the envelope and I was happy that I got a christmas card. *shit, no one else sends me anything, not even my mom will get me crap for christmas* Opening it revealed the card. Now I have 2 from her. I have yet to spend them. In a weird way, they have alot more sentimental value to them. The concept behind it means more than the amount. Though I suppose it isn't an ornament and its use is clearly to buy stuff. Yet, I don't have the need yet. The need is coming on April 29th, 2008. So I think I will use those then to buy a crib. I'd feel too guilty spending it on anything else. We already told Michelle's sister Hing not to get her a gift but a stroller. Though she balked at the concept and insists on getting her something. *but really, what Michelle wants is a stroller from her* A gift is a gift though and I'm sure MIchelle will be happy to see anything come her way. I'd be happy if my siblings got me anything. Vanessa is working 8 hours a day but didn't get me anything for my birthday. Alex had got several hundred bucks from his dad and bought computer parts and food. I dunno what went wrong between us. Its not like I need anything from them. I think I have more money then them. I think its just the concept I'd like. They've never made a card or anything for me. Though its just symbolic of the distant kind of family we got.

I blame my mom for the lack of closeness we have. My mom's beer always has always come first. Yeah, she loves us in a sense, but she refuses to make any sacrifices to make us better. I don't live with her anymore, so its too late for me but she knows how much vanessa and alex hate lorenzo and her habit. NOt to mention how lost she is. It is impossible to have a long conversation with her. She has the mindset of a 13 year old. She says fairly inappropiate things that even Vanessa has to say, "momma, stop". A good example eludes me as my thinking is clouded right now. I'll post one with my next interaction with her; which may come tomorrow as I'll be in that area. The last interaction with her I hung up the phone as she was unapologetic about missing the ultrasound and not notifying me over the phone beforehand. I shouldn't have been surprised; she never made it to my MRI's or ANY of my MANY doctor appointments. She still doesn't know what I have!!! She knows I had/have a tumor and I take pills for some related stuff, but she doesn't know, nor does she care to ask. But why would I expect anything more when I know damn well she lost her mind to all that partying all those years ago. Funny thing she says is, if she was attractive again, she'd probaly do it again, except she'd date someone who actually had money..........

If you just tuned all that out, that's ok. Who needs more drama in thier lives? Though I suppose its interesting to know on an entertaining level. NOt in a mean way, just that is how blog reading works. For me, its the only place I can really talk about it. What sucks is I know how good it could be. Not everyone has a mom that's out of control. Some people have a family that they can turn to when the chips are down. That's what really bites for me. The one thing I really want I can't have. I can try to recreate something with Michelle and my child but it'll never be the complete picture. I have to be the strong one. So in a sense, this is my family. How sad huh?... You guys know me better than my other family. Probaly better than Ray. *though in person, you get to really see the unique part...the thing that make Tino so Tino. I don't think this conveys my unique quirks. SO that sucks. I so understand the need for an all-knowing God. Wish I believed. Its really nice to believe. The athesits may be right, but how happy are they? How many really cheerful athesists are there? *without beer or drugs in thier system*

That's it I guess. On the bright side, I'm having a baby! On the dark side, I am still dealing with a vareity of issues. With psychology, I now know the etiology, course, prognosis and possible treatments for my stuff. THe thing is, the treatment I need isn't available. I can't be prescribed a healthy, caring family, a fiscially secure lifestyle and self esteem. *yeah, that isn't so high right now* Yes, I feel like crap. No, it isn't logical. I would know how to alleviate this in a patient, but things like self-reassurance just don't work. Telling yourself it is ok is different than hearing someone telling you probaly the same thing. At the end, we all reassurance from someone else that it will be ok, even if at the end, we just turn to carbon molecues. If this is all, this really sucks then.... I guess that's why people all believe in something. The suckyness *is that even a word* of what this has turned out to be is quite disappointing. I mean, there has to be someone that just loves us as is, isn't there? Someone who is ok if we are too into our sci-fi world of alternate realities and are ok listening to us be just too neurotic for the situation at hand. I guess that's why someone people love the internet. Going online never is as great as you think it is offline, but its an ok subsitute for now.

Blah blah blah, you got to stop me when I go on and on like that. I'll just keep going you know. *I always say that to Ray* And I will just keep going too. Yeah, going deeper into the darkness won't take me very far, so I will stop. Wanted to say thank you again kailko for the gift card. It is nice to recieve something in the mail that isn't an ad or bills. Thank the rest of ya too for just being here, reading me, all 3 of you. My lil ego just gets a kick hearing from ya. Just ask Michelle. *you can't?* YOu will one day. She'd say if I had a tail, it'd wag when I got comments. LOL. I try not to let my ego get too invested in those, but you got to admit, it is nice to know that there are people out there that just really want to know about you.