Today was just one of them BLAH days. Got up, was COLD, got ready for class, did entry. Was very tired too. *only 4 hours rest* I eventually arrive on campus.
There, I go to Spanish class. Was boring, then go hang out in cafeteria. There, Eliza, Donald, Rosie, and April were all there. I didn't really want to be there so I went to student center. THere, I lay on couch there and relax. No sooner than 5 mins, Donald came. *i didn't want him there, wanted to sleep, end up staying up. Candace comes in. Then Raymond and Awilda. Next Andre stops by. All the while I'm thinking, will they all just leave. They don't. *smiles* So after some time of being in there, I see Jeff. He has add slip. He is gonna add onto my weight training class. *was happy bout that* So me, jeff and donald go there.
There, Jeff sees a church friend and Donald sees a guy named Doug. We all meet up and have similar workouts. I do light stuff. *felt embarrassed, I was lifting the least amout of everything* After some time there, class finishes. I'm done for day. I go in cafeteria.
There, same crew that usually is there with addition of alex and paris. Everyone talks while I feel like being left alone. Jeff comes in a bit later, I lend him money for lunch. He eats, goes to class. I hang in cafeteria a bit longer when I say I am going to bathroom. I head to student center. There, Candace is there with Raymond. *sometimes knowing too many people can be a pain* Candace is angry at Brian, tells me story, wants me to stay. I do. I wait for Raymond to leave to answer Candace's question. *she had asked how I was* He left, I was like YEAH, then IMMEDIATELY, Jeff and Donald come in. *i'm like damn* Jeff tells me there are more people in student center. I tell him me and Candace are talking. I tell Donald same, but he don't get hint and stays. I try to hint him away, doesn't work. Candace asks again what is wrong. I tell her life situation. *DOnald hears too* THey feel bad and stuff. So I'm there a lil sad when Megan and Brian come in. SHe starts talking about some stuff. One thing lead to another, we are debating girls that dress like whores. That is when I take unpopular stance of "girls who dress like that are more likely to be raped, not that they deserve it, just that it is more likely" I then am double teamed. After 5 minutes of debating, I got tired of it, left. Went to cafeteria.
I see Jeff, Eliza, Rosie. About a few minutes later, Donald comes. So were there, they talk about sex and stuff. Was slightly amused. During that conversation, Eliza said something about wanting me for years. *man,sometimes I'm tempted just to do her* I blush and subject eventually changes. Later, Jeff leaves, I go with him.
We go to bus stop. We see bus go by. We decide to wait for next one. While waiting, we talk. We mainly talk about God, some of our pasts, my negativity, etc. Bus comes nearly an hour later. We board.
On bus, Jeff sees one of his friends. They talk, and talk, and talk. I feel very alienated. I ride a bus with him that don't even go my way. So after finding no way to join conversation, i decide to get off where bus connected to another bus. I get off fast. Jeff is puzzled as to why I'm getting off. I walk off. I go wait for bus, is cold, get on. After a LONG while, I make it home. Find out Jeff called.
I call Jeff. *he left message to my mom* He was concerned about me, wanted to know what was up. I tell him some, then he has to get off phone. *was 3 min conversation* I get off and type this entry.
Right now, I feel so angry and just hurt that I don't want anyone near me. I feel this inner darkness. I want it to go away, but feel its impossible. I know Jeff is helping, despite me pushing him away. I don't know why I'm being like that. I know its wrong. I just do it. God i need help. *literally and figurativly* Anyways, I'm gonna get off and just yell into my pillow. I think I may listen to some hard rock too. That is all ~END~