It musta been awhile since I wrote. I have a lot of write in me right now. I just want to say so much. I forgot the thrill I get from expressing myself on here.

From an objective point of view, *if that is even possible* I want to examine my life. Since my relationship with Michelle is an oft-written subject, maybe I should start with that.

The relationship started out of need. We both needed someone to love us. We felt unlovable. My enjoyment for hearing someone out and her need to express meshed really well. We then met offline. We jumped into something we both didn't throughly examined. I feared my need wouldn't be fulfilled unless Michelle stayed. I found my way to get her to stay. She stayed because she liked her needs being filled.

SO the relationship started blissfully for the first 6 months or so. It seemed great. Then reality set in. We both didn't do the inner work necessary to be in a relationship. We lacked patience and the ability to be flexible. The fights started.

While all this was going on, we understood that much was missing from the relationship. From finacial to agreement. So this wasn't too bad until we were forced out by my mom. Why? She wanted to live "alone".

So significant strain occured while we lived in motels. Anger from the situation leaked in and caused havoc in our relationship. Much fear was involved. Finally, we found our way to an apartment.

We were finally alone. FREE! *in terms of freedom* No family in the middle of fights. Conceptually, it seemed ideal. Yet, we fought more than ever! The problem was finacial fear. Fear of being independent with no jobs and living off of savings. We were almost doomed. Then, in the nick of time, we find jobs and replot our lives.

To save money, we got a place and moved in my mom. *bad move* She critized Michelle and vice versa. This created strain on me and everyone inside. At the same time though, I'm trying to grow and am starting to truely understand the psychological concepts applied to my life. In the meanwhile, Michelle is interested in growth, but defaults to her emotions. We fight as I start to really notice these behaviors. I am finally ok with myself. The self-hate has generally faded. Meanwhile, that inadvertantly leads to me not doing as much things just so people would like me. This affects Michelle the most. She gets Ticked off. "why don't you do this for me anymore" I am more assertive about my boundries. More fights about how that is just a smyptom of not loving her anymore. Though the fights, which were meant to regain the love, led to less, thus a self-fullfilling prophecy of sorts.

My mom moves out. Michelle is happy. Things are "going to change" Yes and no. The tantrums persist. The arguing amount has gone down. Michelle, currently, says she is seeking change. This is a good sign. Ofcourse, I still need to grow as well. I make mistakes as well. Part of me hates admitting that, but the truth is that I do and sometimes I don't want to do things out of selfishness.

I want to change though. I'd like to be a great spiritual leader. I'd like to be selfless. I'd like to be in touch with God 24/7. Psychology would call being in touch with the natural flow of life. Whatever the name, I'd like to be fully present and be the expression of love.

I do recongize how ambitious it is to say that. I do believe high expectations led to higher results than lower expectations. I don't think I'll ever really hit that magic spot of total awareness, love, flexibility, total selflessness. Though everyone needs a dream to aspire to. Religously, its like saying, I want to be like Jesus. Impossible to achieve, but the ultimate goal is admirable in my eyes. If I could just touch a moment of being in line with the Great Meaning, *GOD?* I think this life has been worth it for me.

Again, this leds me to, is the the meaning of it all? Its funny to me that an objective science such as psychology sorta leds one back to spirituality. That there is something more profound than just eating, sex, hanging out, reproducing, and being *culturally* successful. These things are fleeting moments. Even personality is a sort of fleeting object. Can you imagine how much your personality has changed since you were 4? Yet, if you close your eyes and think about yourself at 4, 14, 24 and so on, there is a constant. Its the real YOU. Even when your 84, something won't change. You may have diff views and behaviors, but something doesn't change. A soul???????????????????????????????

I don't know why I so fight the concept of a soul. I can even feel it. I know there is a constant "ME" energy there. Yet, the inner critic says, "prove it objectively". Where's the emprical evidence? What about animals, they have a "life" energy. Do they have souls? I think not, then what makes you, the thinking animal, so special?

I dunno. Maybe animals do have something going on. They make decisions. They strive for life and reproduction like us. THey are unaware as far as we know, but it doens't mean life wasn't breathed into them. They are fundamentally different from a rock. Why is that? How is that possible?

I dunno. I don't know all the answers. I may never. But life means so much more when all this isn't a pointless exercise on the way to death. The consciousness can't be explained by science. The bioglocial faculties within do not indicate that the brain has the ability to observe itself and there is no place in the brain that streamlines all the input of the senses and the mind to create experience. If every cell in the body dies within 7 years of being created, why is it that there is an unchanging enity???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????