Here at the college again. Ugh, feel like crap. Tired. I think if you were to go deeper, I would say the problem is that I feel hopeless. I honestly believe that this is it; as in, my exsistance ends after this. So, no matter what I do here, I feel that it will be for not. Many times, I feel like there is nothing I can do to feel happy. *I think they call this Anhedonia* Ray says he thinks he has this. *that was a while ago* Maybe. He sure doesn't seem to dervive much interest from our interactions as much as he used to. We talked briefly on Friday. He called late and said he was tired. *why call when you're tired* After starting to lose consciousness on the phone, he said that he "might" call me laster in the weekend. No, he didn't call. I hate that sorta iffyness he has about things. Though what really irritated me about him was the fact that he still didn't see the ultrasound. *its been 2 weeks* He knew it was on myspace, though he claims he couldn't find it. He also should've checked here on the diary or called me. But, it wasn't important to him. Had it been Carmen's *his girfriend's* ultrasound, you think he would've found it? Not that I should compare to her, I know that thier 6 month acquintance is deeper than whatever we have, but he gave the impression over the phone that he really really wanted to see it. *sounded rather excited about it* So yeah.... I always thought he had best friend potential, but has never came through. That is something about his personality, he has always had a lot of potential. However, most of it remains unused. *in all aspects of his life* Not that I'm any better as a friend....

Besides all that, I think that I just dread the onset of this week. I know that most of my waking time will be spent doing what society would have me doing. *going to work/school* When I do get home, there is still plenty of cooking and cleaning to do. So, these feelings are mostly the result of my environment, though when I do have free time, I typically don't do much anyways. I have to start 6 hours straight of class. *hang me now* Ugh