I am really starting to HATE people in general. The world is a cold place. Atleast for me it is. No one really cares what goes on in my life or is looking to help. I know I shouldn't look to society for nothing. It's just that I have this thing in me that wants to be helped and cared for. I guess I feel this way because I'm in fear of my life and at a relatively low point in my life. What's worse, now I am dragging Michelle into all this. She now understands why I get so down and I think all the stress in my life is getting to her too. I just wish me and her could get whisked away into some loving family where I don't have to worry about who's going to threaten me or yell at me and Michelle for washing our hands after using the bathrooom. *yes, there was a huge argument over that* Even if I couldn't get all that, I just want my stupid medications. I have a bad feeling disability isn't going to cover me. The "neurological" exam tested me on such things as "bending my knees, touching my nose, and testing my reflexes. The "mental" exam was more like an I.Q. test. Only one question had to do with me. That question is whether I ever thought about suicide. The rest of the questions had me doing math and finding lame patterns. What irks me the most is that these tests won't do nothing for me. Would day just do a freakin MRI on me. Take some blood samples. Something that shows them my tumor. Both those docs "examining" me said what I had was very serious, but then dismissed the subject and continued with their lame tests. Calling them tomorrow to try to get those scheduled.

In other news, Lorenzo is going to be deported back to Mexico. That is not what I wanted. I don't understand the system. He did a crime, why not lock him up first? He has hopped the border 8 times. I'm sure time #9 won't be so hard for him. He knows where my mom works, and where we all go to school. Just because I'm not important or have money, they aren't caring. I'm sure if Lorenzo threatened to kill Bill Gates or George W. Bush, then he'd be locked up for life. Its SO frustrating. Like I don't have enough to worry about. Now I have to worry about him or my f#$ken tumor killing me, finding some temporary place to live, and my college classes. I wish money grew in my backyard. Not even excessive money, just enough to pay for meds, bribe lorenzo, and find somewhere to freakin go. Every night, I stay up worrying my @$$ off, wondering if he will get out and what escape plans to do. Trying to stay calm though. Otherwise, I'm going to have a mental breakdown. Trying not to have that, would ruin any career as a psychologist. Plus its just not desireable.

So upset right now. Feeling really bitter and sad. I feel hypocritical praying. Also feel angry. I'm too smart to be letting this get to me. I'm a psychology major and can't even solve and fix myself. I tell people and friends what they should do in situations and can't come up with something for myself. I'm still going to pray right now, though a part of me says its just desperation. Besides, I know there those who are worse off than me, it could be worse. That thought alone gets me pissed. I'm upset over this? Other humans have coped with alot worse. I want to tell that thought to shut up.

I think if I get through this, I'm going to be more cold. I feel it happening. I used to love helping people out. That is going away. I don't know about mission work and helping bums anymore. I think I'm going to think in the future "I had it hard and no one helped me, so I'm not going to help them". I look at them as maladaptive and say stuff like "You'll be ok, look on the bright side, your not dead". I guess I understand now why people are like that. Here I was thinking it was just because of greed. That is all for now. ~END~