Since I have the time, I suppose that I'll write an entry. Not sure what to write about first. Well, the first thing on my mind is the MRI that I took yesterday; it took about an hour. I was nervous but felt better in that Michelle came with me. I think I'm getting more scary *fearful* as time goes by. The noises in the machine sound like a nuclear missle is about to launch.
As of right now, I don't have any results. I have an appointment on the 24th. Though I'm gonna leave several messages on the voicemail of my doc hoping she just tells me what is going on. My intuition tells me that its a small tumor. I'd be pretty shocked if it were large. I'm sure they'll figure something out.

Today Casandra was asking about it and it sorta annoyed me. I hate saying anything about health because I just feel that it changes nothing. It's just something interesting that is happening. I mean, I hate popular sentiments like "I'm so sorry for you. Hope you're ok." What does that do for me? Are you going to make sure I'm ok? If I need help being ok, are you going to help me? When I need to pick up some pills in a place that is an hour and a half on the bus, are you going to give me a ride?

Ok, unexpected. My endcrinologist just got and I got my MRI results right now. I guess I was right. The tumor is small. So now I'm being prescribed cabergoline.

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Wow, I'm not sure if I want to continue from there or just go off the top. I guess I'll quickly comment on that and then my other stuff.

So yeah, good news for me. Just need these pills. Mostly relieved. A small part of me would've been ok with needing surgery. It's the indulgent part of me that would've liked the bunch of visits and encouraging words from the students I work with. Though that maybe the problem with me.

I have allowed myself to be way too indulging. I am aware of the fact that I enjoy the postive chemical kickback that comes after some good sadness. It's kinda sick if you think about it. I allow myself to get in situations I know will be saddening *sadning?* and continue to allow those illogical thoughts to continue.

I suppose its a defense mechanism that stops me from actually having to change. I let this fear of the unknown and possible rejection lead to the very feelings I was trying to avoid; minus any of the possible benefits.

It really sucks because I know the solutions to my problems. I don't wonder why anymore. Yet, I just allow myself to fall into these bad habits. I allow cynicism to pervade my thoughts so that I won't be disappointed. At the same time I hold on to the fairy tales I hear on TV. You know, someone will catch you when you fall. Something bad is gonna happen because I said it can't get any worse. I forget that these ideas are simply tools used to get to a climax. I can't wait for someone to help me. Nor should I critize others for not doing it because I shouldn't expect that of them. *stupid tv makes me believe in false norms*

Even now, I blame the TV. Its much easier on the ego that way. It's THIER fault. I'm this way because of him, her or it. Though the alternative to that is that my misery is my own fault. Ouch! That hurts. Yet, its empowering in that I have a choice in deciding my feelings.

Still, I feel really sad. I have these cognitions that say my worth is based on others perceptions. So then my brain says, well ok then, make like others and do good so that thier perception will be more positive and thus, worth will improve.

That sounds fine and dandy, but then, the other cognition. No one helped me, why should I help others. I found my way, let them find theirs. If they don't, too bad. Let them help me first, then I will feel like giving back. I'm tired of giving without recieving. *that last sentance is summarizing alot of my past, current resentment*

Lastly, there is the existential cognition. "You know, thier perception shouldn't be linked with self worth. You have the freedom to choose your own worth. You are worthy when you choose to accept the title of such. Otherwise, you are allowing others to control your freedom at your expense"

Ofcourse, I never accept that last one even though I KNOW better. I really really want to indulge my ego. That also comes from my past in that my ego was deprived when I was younger and now, I may be overcompensating for that. I must choose to erase much of who I was. That is what scares me. Most of what makes me ME is that *illogical* past. I must choose to delete all the misinformation that was put into my head. But I'm so comfortable with all these old neurons. It's like trying to kill myself. It makes for a "better" me, whatever that is.

Its this ambiguity that freaks me out. What am I suppose to think, feel, act like? The exsistentialist in me says, "whatever you want to think, feel and act like. For life is a subjective experience and you can choose to be whoever or whatever you want to be. Be an artist one day, a scientist the next. Whatever you're in the mood for."

Yet, the human in me doesn't want to deal in these abstract rules. I *we?* want something concrete. In life, you're suppose to........ pray all the time. I suppose that is the attraction to religion. Its this innate search for THE TRUTH. The ONE CORRECT WAY. Being that humans are built to want to copy other humans, we typically follow whatever our culture is into. We reason, well, everyone follows this ALLAH character, I guess that is the way.

Man, we are really like sheep, aren't we? Oh, you say people follow this Jesus character, ok then, that must be the answer. We reason, "so many people can't be wrong". Ofcourse, almost all *if not all* religions by thier very nature must be wrong in that they can't all be right. Won't alot of people be surprised in the afterlife? *if there is any, hopefully yes* Surely, you are following the Truth though. Similiary raised people agree with you. I mean, only your book has seeds of TRUTH. Though when I say religions, I also mean science. Science is a religion. It takes faith to believe what a bunch of old people wrote. It has its symbols, icons and particular methods to follow when observing its rituals. The exception is that its book is constantly being edited. For the better? Sometimes, when politics and grants aren't skewing what's published.

Now I'm way off. Have fun trying to comment on all that. Speaking of comments, I've been processing kaliko's comments for a LONG while. I was actually formulating aloud with Michelle about what I really think of altrusism and we ended up arguing. LOL. Basically, she says I'm a hypocrite because I critize people for not having pure motives when infact, my motives are not pure. What can I say, when she's right, she's right.

Still, it is still my belief that when you see people doing a good act, you never know why they are really doing it. There could be social pressure, impression management, the need to have others postively regard them and guilt. In society, we consider it good to do things because of guilt. I suppose its ok. I just think, to God, true altruism is doing something simply because its the right thing to do and doesn't relieve you psychologically. I dunno, I'm not GOD. Let me give you a real example. This plane crashes into an icy lake. The guy sees a little girl out there. He goes and swims out to her and rescues her and tries to save others in the process. He dies. Altrusitic? Most likely yes, but what if he goes out there because he wants the prestige and respect that comes doing such an act. *plus it reinforces the all important, i'm a good person, cognition*

God only knows. Maybe that's why we need someone like Jesus to save us for God. Are good deeds may not be as good as the act alone would indicate. For even the bible indicates that good deeds don't get you to heaven. Why? I'm just saying........

Hopefully, I can bring myself to live a higher standard. *if there is even the necessity for a higher standard* I think I'll be happy then. In the meantime, like Michelle says, I shouldn't judge people so harshly if I'm not even close. Maybe I won't aloud. The thoughts, unfortunately, still continue.......