The last few days have been really hectic for me. Ofcourse, finals week is always hectic, but has been especially rough with Michelle getting mad at me for stupid reasons. Also fought with my mom here and there.

Right now, Michelle is really mad at me. Its a really long story I don't really care to repeat but I'll put the basics. Essentially, I deleted a file accidently, ripped a sticker for the board game called life and put water on her baby wipes. Plus, we got into a huge fight when she wouldn't let me study for my final on the computer. Eventually my mom comes back and we're arguing and my mom gets involved. I let her because Michelle was not getting off the computer and I had a final the next day. Ironically enough, this happens during that Jesus resurrection program they had on ABC. I tried to get her to watch it and not fight but that backfired and said I was forcing her and she got more mad.

So right now I'm not sure how this is going to end up. Its no big deal to me, but she is really mad in general. If she wants to break up, I'm not putting up a big fight. I'm exhausted. I need space and less stress. Plus, I really haven't been a great boyfriend either. Thus, I'm not jumping into any relationships afterwards if there is an afterwards.

Other than that, just finished my finals. I know I got an A in public speech. I think I will get a B in my Political Science class. So that's ok I guess. As for Michelle, she got a once in a lifetime oppurtunity. Her professor is going to let her retake her final. Apprantly, she seen that she had A potential and aced the first half, and then messed up badly on the second half. Thus, her professor concluded it was a time issue. I'm happy for her, for she was gonna cry if she ended the class with a B. *would gurantee a rejection from UCLA*

In other news, my big brother came over. He's always a jokester. Still, he's living an amoral life. He has 3 "sim" cards that allow him to have different sets of phone numbers that he can hide from his other girfriends. He has several, so he brags. He says he found one that came from the Navy and has potential to make big money, so he says he will try to find a way to marry her. He's not much of a looker, but has this superfical charm that gets girls to like him. He also described to me how he has bought a few expensive clothing so the girls can think he has money. The way he says it is funny, but the act is straight up evil. Me and him are so opposite. I try to keep my distance from him, for I worry that one day he may snap and take me out or something. He hates the fact I have more smarts and I'm doing better. Plus, I refuse to forgive him for what he has done. Yeah, it goes counter to what I believe, but you don't got to face the consequences of letting someone that poisionous in your life.

Besides all of that, I've been getting pretty down. I am so drained. Like neils said, I look to the future hoping something great is down the line. I know I will likely have the money I desire one day. Though money isn't as fun when you got no one to spend it with. Something about us humans needs companionship. I guess because you don't like to feel that your all by yourself and no one will be there for you when your down. Logically, it doesn't matter. Emotionally, we're really weak. Atleast I am. Even right now, I just want to cry really loudly. Though my eyes are won't allow me. I might get angry for awhile, then realize I can't do anything, then back to hopelessness.

Some moments I just want to die. Just say that's enough pain. Then I will rest in peace. Though I try to tell myself that all I really desire is a change of situation. Plus, when your dead, you don't get to feel the peace that you desire, if all that happens is nothingness. Or, my luck, there is a heaven and hell. You so happened to follow the wrong path, too bad. Enjoy your eternal hellfire or whatever God decides to do with you. Though, the loving God I believe in won't do that to you and instead will just end your pointless exsistance. I guess we'll all see who's right one day, won't we? *sigh* *looks at myself*

I'm such an unassuming individual. People who read my expression generally think I'm such full of happiness and youth. *I'm almost 24 and still look 15* My smile could make you smile. Though if you read between the lines, you'd see someone who has gone through alot. However, I have no alternative. I have to smile. I have to be superfical sometimes and not let things get to me. Otherwise, the pain would take over and I'd be immobilized. That's what they want. People like to see people fall. I'm not giving them it. I want them to say, "What's he smiling about" That way I show them that I won't be negative like them. Atleast, they won't see it. Ha, I'm a master of disguise. As it seems many of my readers are. Its a necessary evil. Being too real will open you up to hurt. They like to hurt you when they're mad. Gives them another weapon to attack you with. Hell, I've done it before, why wouldn't they? It just shouldn't be this way. If only the hate would go away, that'd be nice. Still, I just don't see how it will ever.