Felt like writing so here I am. The finals are finally over. WHoo WHO! Now not sure what to do. Its just wait wait wait until the baby comes. Like I said, gonna go shopping next week. Well, maybe in 2 weeks because Michelle still has to work next week. Talked to my mom and she just really ticked me off. Sure enough, she has backed out of helping with the laptop. Even though she gets section 8 now, *rent=like 100 something* she has lorenzo there getting some money and she's getting a huge tax refund. *4k ish* plus whatever money she gets from that one time refund we're supposed to get in the summer. She says she wants to buy a car instead. I didn't even want to talk to her after that. In one sense, I'm being just a big spoiled baby for wanting her to basically get me something that isn't a necessity. On the other hand, she stole 10k from when I got my inheritance *long time ago, and its all gone* and never paid me back. And I still haven't forgot it was her fault that I was living in motels when she infact had an extra room and was just spit(e)ing Michelle.

She emphasizes that she still wants to get the baby a crip. Phuleaze... I don't want her getting me some recalled crap. Its not like she does research or goes and reads reviews. Instead, she will likely go to flea market and get it cuz "it was cute" I honestly don't need that from her. $40-50 dollars I could do without. I am just so sick of her. She could give a damn about how my health is or even know how I'm doing in school. It is just too difficult to deal with her. Don't need to wait on a crip just so she can back out on that too.

Talked to Ray on the phone. He likes to call on Fridays. We talked about the laptop and school and the arrival of the baby. He mentioned that he thought about arranging a baby shower for us but just wasn't sure we wanted one. I told him that I would love one but quite honestly, "I just don't want you get all these people to give me gifts, I hardly know them. *the church people* I'd feel like I'm just exploiting them and they don't need that." He says, "but they know you from the past". "Yeah but, come on, am I just to show up and get their stuff and then that's it" God knows I could use a few things, but I just can't bring myself to it. I only recognize thier faces, I can't even thank them by name. I mean, I still feel a lil bad that when I was a teen, that they put together $200 a year for me and got me a ride to go to summer camp. *yes, my mom couldn't pull 200 for me to go to summer camp..* I was even offered money to attend an adventist university before. Yet, I never said thank you to anyone. *not that I knew who pitched in money during the offering(s)* I don't even believe in God anymore. So yeah.... I just couldn't.

Besides all that, just here. Trying to figure things out. I mean, as an atheist, I should just be able to exploit people and not care for the consequences because its survival of the fittest. There is no real reason to be moral at all. Yet, its something ingrained in me. I'm not even sure where this is coming from because I know I was raised all screwy. Did I ever tell you about the time that my mom pretended my grandma was dead so to excuse a week of excessive partying. The company sent with her a bunch of gifts for us that year along with cards and all this stuff. I felt so guilty keeping any of it. Not that I actually got to keep the portable heater as my lovely older brother Ricky took it from me. I dunno why I haven't turned out like those violent anti-social people. Well, I am kinda anti-social. Just ask Ray. But yea, I dunno. I think I got lucky that I met Ray when I did. *?*

When i was 8, Ray moved into the area. I was so curious that there was another lil kid that I greeted him immediately. We got along right away. However, he could never come out on Saturdays. He would go to church. I wanted to hang with him on Saturdays so I said that I wanted to go too. Delighted, his mom took me. To continue to hang with him, I'd go all the time. We'd sneak into the backstage and stuff. So I suppose I picked up on all those "morals" subconsciously as I really didn't know what they were saying most the time. I even wanted to be a pastor at one point. Though there was never any leadership at that church and many of the people were/are aloof, atleast with me. Granted, most of them are significantly older than me. Just, I wish that someone did try to take me under there wing at that time. They knew about my mom being a drunk and how poor we were. I dunno... I wish they took more interest in me then. Now, I kinda feel its too late. I'm different now. I mean, the last time I someone talk to me at any kind of a deep level was when I was in the hospital with the tumor and that was back in 2000. No follow up? They may be kind, but....I can't. We're familiar strangers. Each one of you on my notify list knows me more then they know me. I have a hard enough time putting myself out here with you guys.

Wow, that went forwards and backwards. Just reread that. I'm tempted to rearrange it but I think its worth keeping as it shows the way my brain processes things. It still bothers me that no one stepped up in my life. I feel like its not fair that some people have such great families and social support. I can't even read entries when people talk about how they had such a great time hanging out with thier families and how they were looked out for. Its a mix of anger and sadness. You know, that is what started my depression really. I think it really kicks in when the realization that life does not have to be so isolating. I think about teen suicides for some reason. Their typical reason is a lack of supportive social support. Sadly, their frontal lobes aren't developed enough to tell them that they still have other stuff to look forward too. I sometimes wonder if I had normal hormones if I'd still be here. Luckily, I didn't have the energy or the irrationalness that comes with exposure to thought changing chemicals. Now, I can see that positives.

I have Michelle, who loves and accpets me when not drunk on crazy pregnant hormones. I got a lil boy who will love me and be apart of my life forever. I have a great outlet here at DD where I have met a few of you who nice enough to want to help me. This has helped me challenge my pessimism about the intentions of others. And I'm alive. I get to experience. Its quite a privledge actually. Yeah... It may be dark out, but the sun will rise again. *I got to look that up to see if someone quoted that* Oh, no exact quote on google. ANyways, this cabergoline is making me sleepy. *yea, I'm all "drugged" up right now* Almost quite literally, as it does have dopamine. Then why aren't I high yet? Ok Ok, bye.