I think about things and I wonder to what degree is it that I have the problem with people and what degree is Western society just freakin screwy. Sometimes I wonder how the hell I'm going to be a psychologist with this malcontentness of humans. Maybe I'll do research or something. I guess I don't dislike all people. I do like wounded puppies. People who need me for help is why I went into psychology. Though why the hell am I like that? Do I have some complex? I guess you could call it hero complex. Its this mentality that you want to come in for the rescue of emotionally needy people. Somehow, I been taught that this validates me. So then, I do it because of me then. Is this because of the video games I play(ed)? My own desire that people help me when I am needy? Cartoons constant portrayal of good people saving others. Since I can't do that physically, I guess I'm left with emotionally. Is this just my temperment? Its probaly a combination of those things.
Yet, I think it boils down to connection. I lack that in my family. So obviously I go elsewhere. I got Michelle and that was suppose to solve that lil thing. That only led to me wanting more connection. Online, its not a good solution due to availability of people and just plain physical distance. Plus people online are in a constant state of flux. For some periods of time they're there and then if you don't meet them, they are not there for awhile until one day they pop up online and you talk to them and its not the same. And with me, I get into these semi-intense moments of connection with people and then poof, it disappears. Offline, its almost impossible for me to talk with people. My temperment is not that of a very talkative person. I take time to warm up to people. I mean, at one point in my life I was but now, the walls are useful. People from my past are just that, in my past. Most were superficial friendships to begin with and the few that were decent, I couldn't stay in touch. I've moved so many times in my life I've lost track. Actually, let me think. Since I was 6, 17 times. I'm 23 so that's exactly once a year. Though what usually happens is a couple years of stability and then a few years of constant moving. Like last year, remember?
So yeah, what all that means to me is that I haven't had the time to really connect with people and now I'm not really sure how to. I mean, logic would dictate that you be yourself, get along and find people with your interests. I would say I try that and doesn't seem to work out. *wrong logic?* Plus the few people I did trust seem to do something where I don't trust them anymore. So all these factors contribute to my feelings of people. Lastly, I think one thing I forgot is that people can't seem to meet even my minimum expectations. For a while maybe, but then people seem to change. I assume that is to be expected because people do change and expectations shouldn't be there but then I don't know the alternative. I mean, what's so hard about being non-judgemental, supporitve, and reliable? Is that really too much? Anyways, I'm done typing for now.