I am losing another dear friend to cancer.

We all have to face death, there's no getting around that. But why does a kind, loving, moral, decent person have to suffer? Our Rabbi says that everything is G-d. And intellectually, I can accept that. But emotionally, I can't. Why does this wonderful woman have to suffer a lingering death. It won't be painful because she's receiving hospice care, and she'll be medicated for pain. But she will also be in a narcotic fog.

Her husband is watching her slip away. This couple is a soul in two bodies. They have each found their bashert (soul mate). I can hardly bear to write this, but I need to get it out. Please bear with me.

Every time I go to visit, I see my friend a little frailer, less able to take care of herself. She's slipping away must faster than I expected. I thought she had months left, but now I'm thinking more in terms of weeks. She has a Foley catheter and wears adult diapers. How undignified. I noticed the last time I was there (Sunday) that the urine in her bag was quite dark. That indicates to me that her kidneys are already shutting down. Yes, she takes in a lot of fluid, so that's not the reason for the dark urine.

For the first time we talked about dying. Sometimes she just wants to die and get it over with. Other times she's afraid. I asked her what she was afraid of, but she couldn't tell me. She asked me what is going on with her. She asked me twice and I told her twice, "Are you sure you want to know?" because she's been avoiding talking about this thing that's killing her. She assured me that she did want to know. So...

I reminded her of the breast cancer that started all this. She had a mastectomy and then chemo and radiation. She was in remission for awhile (she didn't recall that), then the cancer returned and she started a second course of chemo. Which has not successfully stopped the spread. The chemo was stopped because she was becoming too frail to withstand the side effects of the treatment. I told her that the cancer had metastasized to her lungs now.

Nine years ago I had breast cancer. I had a mastectomy. No radiation. No chemo. How did I get off so easily? Why is my friend dying even though she's had the mastectomy, and chemo and radiation. Why?

Why am I living and my friend is dying? Why? I don't have a husband who is devoted to me and who would be devastated by my death. I have children, as she does, and they will miss me when I'm gone; but so will her children. Why do I have life while hers is slipping away? I don't understand why this very wonderful woman is dying while I, a very ordinary person, am in good health.

My favorite aunt and two friends have died of ovarian cancer, and now I'm losing another friend to cancer. Why? My two friends who have already passed were younger than I; the same with my friend who is now dying.

Why?