it’s always in the car. where i lose all composure. like back 2007 when i drove little Mina’s body through the toll booth bawling my eyes out - the clerk tried to stop me, most likely to see if i was okay…

i was on my way to my childhood home to bury her in the backyard. it was thanksgiving day.

orangehead, went on new year’s day.

maybe this is why i don’t like the holidays. it could also be that the holidays brings lots of euthanasias…it’s a really bad time for veterinary staff...

this passed sunday...

i was home by 8am. stopped off at the store to buy water and other things for dinner.

at the apartment, i made breakfast, ate and went to sleep. when i woke up, i went into automatic mode…cleaned out fridge of what seemed to be endless aluminum and plastic covered cans of cat food. washed the kitty spout and put away. gathered all of the syringes and needles in a box to bring to the pharmacy for safe disposal of sharps,

got rid of all the recycling, broke down boxes cats always love. put away blankets and toys, dismantled my little treatment area with all her meds, gloves, and thermometer, returned my stethoscope to the inside of the closet door. emptied out the litter pan, vacuumed the area rug of all the litter she tracked on it…

it was to save myself from having to do it after work on Monday… because it was hard enough coming home to an empty space.

out of the corner of my eye, in low lit spaces, i think i see her sitting waiting, i think i feel her jump on the couch, on the bed, standing at the kitchen door, laying on the rug..

but it’s only the fan, it’s only my winter black hat…it’s my own legs moving under the covers...

i still lower the toilet cover, still hide the plants and plastic bags, still worry abut getting home on time after work…~~~~

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i hope that if there is an afterlife - she finally gets to see

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