-i have no financial aid. paperwork was never sent, never submitted. i have an outstanding balance of $6800 dollars. i do not qualify for a loan, i've tried and been turned down.
-everyone i've turned to for help at school has let me down. bursar's, financial aid, even the dean of students who said she'd look into it and get back to me...a week and a day later, it was i who phoned her. i soon realized she had no intentions of ever calling. she said she was unable to do much and that my records won't be released until i pay the outstanding balance.
-i left a message on Bursar's voicemail (it is easier to get a call through to hell and talk to Lucifer than get someone at Bursar's...) asking about my grant which totaled about $2100 dollars and had not been deducted from the balance of $6800... i left my work and home phone numbers, i asked that they get in touch with me to update my address since the bills they sent had my old address on them...i did have my mail forwarded... but they still need to update their records.
-i still sent payment (deadline is almost here) for a place to take the certification exam...however, if i can not prove i graduated, they will hold off giving me my certificate as a vet tech. without that, i won't be very employable. getting let go from the animal hospital hammered that simple fact home.
-i also left a message with the dept head at school...2 days ago. i gave a short speech on what's happened and asked for help re: grant money and any advice she would care to give. haven't heard a peep yet.
work. work is putting suicidal thoughts in my head. (i have a hotline number)i have to admit that i am feeling unstable at this point. i cry everyday i get home from work, sometimes i cry in my office. i know that this is affecting my interviewing skills... i must have a very depressing aura about me...no wonder i can't get a break with employment. it's all a vicious cycle. i have fought buying cigarettes. it's been really tough. i've fought buying booze. it's been super tough. i've instead filled myself with junk food (which also doesn't help the bad chemistry going on inside of me). i try..i try to eat better. i've tried to do the things that help me feel better...rowing, sleeping, listening to music, reading...and throughout all of this, i am still studying for the exam. reminds me of how i studied for midterms and finals throughout the abusive boyfriend episode...bones and muscles and shots of irish mist...and tequila...anything to take the edge off and help me relax so that i could study for the exams. music, studying, tv...these things are beginning not to help anymore. i am beside myself. i'm embarrassed and ashamed that at 40, i have nothing and that i am completely unhappy with just about every aspect of my life despite many efforts to reach goals and put myself in a better position to work where i belong.
i need one break.
i'm just afraid that it'll come too late.