somehow, my life has changed drastically on the outside. on the inside, i've begun dealing with some, i guess, painful stuff. you never really know how screwy things are until you're standing months, years away from it and see it for what it really is. same thing with people. i heard a quote that i don't remember verbatim, but here's the gist:
"when someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them" advice given to Oprah Winfrey by Maya Angelou.
how true. and what a time saver...
i'm a firm believer in things happening for a reason. there are lessons always tucked inside waiting for you to discover them. it's why despite my often pessimistic view of the world gets trumped by my well hidden optimistic side.
-i've always believed things happen for a reason and that eventually, how it all works out is the way it's supposed to be.
i do have a bad habit of holding onto painful and sad things. somehow, they seem too precious or intimate to share. but i guess it's time to unload this massave heap i've carried for so long. underneath all of the rotten things said and done to me...i carry one sentence that would probably have made it all better and probably applies to all of it:
you hurt me, realize this, say you're sorry and don't do it again.
i don't need to hear that i was right, or that i deserved it, or that i was a fool, or that i'm better than you, it, he, she, they.
i realize i've wasted some time waiting to hear this sentence and that i've even been clueless when actions said what mouths could not.
one thing rings clear and true...i really am becoming a different person than before...even before a few months ago. perhaps it's getting closer to 40. or the therapy. or all the stuff that's ahead of me the coming months.
~~~
it's 6:33 am on saturday feb 5.
~~~
my foot and knee are getting better after a few treatments. i'll be dressing and donning the running sneaks for a peaceful early morning run. it's my meditation. my high. a gift to myself wrapped in a tough package that only does me good to open as much as i can. courage, freedom, and the pursuit of knowlege...all precious gifts i find from within.
i've been praying for help, never realizing, though i've heard so many times before, that the answer is in me.
it really is.
imagine that.
ciao and have a great weekend.