About a year ago I cracked. After almost 5 years at a job where I felt under appreciated and stuck, one last blow from two people I, at the very least, respected, (I was taught well by my wonderful parents) sat me down and told me I wasn't doing my job. I had never ever been told that by any of my previous employers. It stunned me, and then angered me, and finally, to my surprise, it depressed me. Literally. In fact, I actually cried. My feelings were hurt because I know myself, and I pride myself in doing my best even under the worst circumstances. Feeling like a wreck, I went to human resources to try to sort the mess out. After spilling my guts I decided that I really needed professional help, but I needed to talk to someone that wasn't involved. I was sent home for the day on the doctor's recommendation (the doc at work) with a list of counselors that my insurance would cover. It wasn't easy to hide my falling apart while waiting for the bus on a busy corner but somehow I kept it together until I got home. I called home (ny) first and cried to my sister and mom. Then I began dialing numbers trying to make appointments for counseling. I found a doctor and made an appointment. It was really tough opening up to the doc but I felt slightly better. Now, I’m 39 and know that "ugly" 40 is hanging over my head. For a long time now, I had been telling myself that I wanted to run a marathon before I turned 40, so, during this meltdown, I had been training to run the NYC marathon. In fact, I had a list of things I’d been meaning to get a move on with...finishing school was another one. All I had left was three months getting through the large animal practicum required by the veterinary technology program at Harcum. The only thing holding me back was that I didn't know how to drive and didn't have a car. Therapy sessions were helpful most times, but I was still depressed about what had happened at work and I knew that I could never be really happy unless I felt I was doing meaningful work. So, I told myself, "If I can run a marathon, I can drive a car". The thought of driving made me into a nervous wreck, but after I ran the race (the whole way), I signed up for lessons. After about 15 lessons with a really wonderful driving instructor, after the scary drives on the Schuylkill expressway and the really bad left turns and the lead foot on the brake, I was ready to take my road test.
I wore my marathon shirt that morning and managed to pass my test. The plan was to sign up for that last 15 credits I needed to graduate, buy a car, and get myself to and from the large animal facility that was about a 60 minute drive one way, while working at my regular job 25 hours a week. I finished school about 2 weeks ago and added about 4000 miles to the odometer. It was nerve wrecking but I knew that staying at my present job would keep me depressed. I’ll be working at it, though, until I can take the test to get my license. So, I’m still in therapy to help me handle the depression. That day I cracked, I felt empty, lost, hurt and profoundly sad. And those feelings forced me to bite the bullet, finish training and finally run the marathon, learn to drive, finish school and find the road to more meaningful work in a field I hold dear and that is true to my heart.
I wore my marathon shirt that morning and managed to pass my test. The plan was to sign up for that last 15 credits I needed to graduate, buy a car, and get myself to and from the large animal facility that was about a 60 minute drive one way, while working at my regular job 25 hours a week. I finished school about 2 weeks ago and added about 4000 miles to the odometer. It was nerve wrecking but I knew that staying at my present job would keep me depressed. I’ll be working at it, though, until I can take the test to get my license. So, I’m still in therapy to help me handle the depression. That day I cracked, I felt empty, lost, hurt and profoundly sad. And those feelings forced me to bite the bullet, finish training and finally run the marathon, learn to drive, finish school and find the road to more meaningful work in a field I hold dear and that is true to my heart.
This, by all means, is a really really rough draft and needs alot more work done. But at this point, I don’t have the energy.