"sea was red and the sky was gray, wonder how tomorrow would ever follow today" LZ
another day. and the morning was full of cool air, Sunday noises of breakfast dishes and spoons and coffee mugs... backyard colors of fat rhododendrons, dainty roses, and green.
when will the day be? when we'll have to sift through her piles everywhere? what will become of the pots and pans that fed us for years? or the bear full of sugar she's intent on adding eyes to?
how will i tear myself from this house? where my Mina is buried? where her shoes and clothes live? where the old atoms exists of parents standing together in front of a christmas tree smiling and then laughing as i take what would be the last pictures of dad?
i picture the house empty, i try to feel what it will be like when i don't take a drive on saturday morning - pitstops to get groceries, gas, and a flag for dad's grave.
no more bright flowers on the dining room table, no more ice cream and pie, no more watching her hands that still wear a wedding band do word puzzles,
when she is gone, noone will ever return to the house - where i lived through the 70's , 80's and 90's..
lived through moments of pure sad, love, and anger. where i couldn't get my shit together.
i find myself making her breakfast, doing arts and crafts, traveling to her birthplace to find her mom's grave...
i want her to be free from all that is, and it's breaking me.
next weekend, i will wake up early, lug my oldlady cart to the car and drive up north - pitstops to get groceries and flowers, open the door to the house and get breakfast going and i wish for her to be free from all that is and it's breaking me...
"standing on a hill on a mountain of dreams telling myself it's not as hard as it seems..."