it was a time of innocence,
a time of confidences.
long ago it must be, i have a photograph
preserve your memories, they're all that's left you
simon&garfunkel
~~~~
been thinking about an old friend from college. the first college i started out at. i was 17. he was a beautiful blue-eyed, blonde hair leo. skier. sharp. got great grades.
i have to say, that first year at college, being in my teens, and going through new experiences away from the strict hand of my parents and catholic guilt was everything a new college student should go through...all the good, the bad, and the ugly. it was fun, stupid, humiliating, and irresponsible. i gained the freshman 15. i lost my virginity. i fell hard for a nerd, who, in turn, chose a seriously warped suitemate from Long Island. but then, i would have never become close with my golden boy across the hall. actually, the entire male suite across the hall became friends. we had lots of fun. went to lots of keg parties, participated in lame dorm activities...
we got stoned together, laughed together, went on trips to Long Island together. fun. fun. fun.
of course the ole GPA took a bad turn. i won't even tell you what it was, suffice it to say... it was pretty bad. and then there's the end of the semester, when you have to go home and deal with the strict hand of your parents and the mounting catholic guilt to match the mount of sins you happily indulged in... well. i ended up taking a year off... i didn't want to go back to failure. failure on every level...academically, romantically, physically...
i spent the next year traveling to and fro the burbs miles north of the big city. enrolled in dance classes to see if i really had any talent. you see, if you can handle a big city dance class, everywhere else should be cake. the competiveness is hot. ambition even hotter. so, i came and went and wondered what the hell would be in store for me... i went hungry and came back stuffing my little mouth with lunch until i looked "like a chipmunk" on the way home.
every trip home, i managed to doze off and crack my head against the bus windowpane.
one trip in particular, crosses my mind. it was a chance meeting 21 years ago that still effects me today. nothing more to say of it.
corny but true nonetheless. those were the days. those wonderful growing up years that were awful, painful, filled with hope, love and longing...less wrinkles, and a brighter spark in the eye.
then the truth creeps in. and you find out noone is ever really satisfied. people with kids and spouses miss the freedom of being single. the single feel the little bit of emptiness of a quiet house and the left side of the bed...
working to live becomes living to work.
we grow older thinking about those long ago years, when we were fresh and stupid. climbing over canal locks to make mixed drinks while the water rushed past. struggling to get our overburdened bladders to the buddies apartment bathroom...
i miss it all.
i miss that gang.
the drunk gal doing cartwheels on the way home from the townie bars.
i miss the snowball fights
the football games in 10 degree weather
burning candles and listening to the B side of Low
while the fat snowflakes fell
i miss you sue, jim, dan, tom, john, jon, chris, todd, frank and all the others who contributed to my corruption and growth.