i woke early this morning, as usual, to feed th cats. wasn't planning on getting a run in since it was still snowing and there was lots of snow on the ground and hardly anyone stirring on the streets. and it was so peaceful and still a little dark, so i curled up on the couch wrapped in a flannel sheet and dozed off...
and i had a dream that an unfortunate incident happened to me. the characters were different, the setting different, but there was one person that linked the dream to reality. and the reality is that this person was one of my classmates during a year in which the unfortunate incident really did happen, and more than once. it was always cloudy though. and i didn't remember about it until i was in my 20's...years went by and i had blocked out what happened...
in the dream, what happened was clear. i woke up certain that that was the way it happened. then it hit me...the past 20 years, i've put myself in situations where the treatment i received in personal relationships was awful. in fact, and i will get personal with this one, the reason i am in PA is because the last boyfriend i had in NY, someone i knew since grade school, had begun to hit, push, kick, yell, etc. etc. even threatening to throw my cats and things out in the street. i never did seek counseling for that. i figured packing up, walking out and settling somewhere far from the madness was enough.
then i became involved with someone, who in a short period of time, messed with my mind so much so that it took me 2 years to get back to who i was. he was also emotionally abusive. the worst part about that one is that he broke my confidences and shared personal business with people, one in particular, that would use this information against me in public forums. she got a lot of mileage and still visits this diary looking for trouble.
i guess the point i'm trying to make is that what happened to me way back in grade school, colored who i am and how i handle relationships, especially with men. it's obvious that i don't trust them, what wasn't obvious is that i learned to isolate myself from them even when they were just friends. somewhere out there is a string of men that deserve a resounding NO from me, or a STOP!
i always managed to remove myself from the situation, what i didn't do is take care of my insides...my heart, my mind, my emotions. i remained silent satisfied that at the very least, i didn't get pregnant, or tied down in a marriage or that i didn't resort to drug or alcohol use...that i didn't spiral downward and let them take me with them. walking away is always good. walking away intact is better. working on the wounds is the best yet.
instead, i filled my mind with negative automatic thoughts to keep myself down.
the last straw? was being betrayed and lied to at work...the only place i felt confident in public. my co-workers may as well been an old bad boyfriend. freaking out and seeking counseling was the best thing that happened. hating my work situation was a huge mirror to what i really feel about the way my life was going...being used, not getting back what i was worth, and mindgames. in a rut and stuck. not having anyone to count on, accept for my family (who are far away).
running a marathon gave me confidence in myself. it paved the way to overcoming my fear of driving. driving will break some of this physical isolation, i'll be able to join a running club, i'll be more independent, i will have more options to where i want to live and work. counseling has helped with those automatic negative thoughts.
next session, i will go in and ask to discuss what happened to me long ago and since then...bring out all of the ugly. and hopefully get some tools to work on those wounds that keep my heart and mind closed when it comes to men.
1. running also gave me the courage to confront the person with his sins so long ago. i had visited my Mom and went for a run around the neighborhood and saw him standing outside of his house. i ran by and a little voice inside me said, “now is the time”. so i ran back and confronted him and, of course, he denied and pretended he had no clue, the fear in his eyes was sufficient for me. i had a good run that day.
2. i made my boundaries so well known to two people that were not good for me so much so that they had no choice but to walk away.
3. i am in the process of moving to a better place, figuratively and physically.
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i'm learning how to meditate
i'm learning to do yoga
i've found a great doc to help me with my bad knee and foot
i found and have a great driving instructor that respects me as a person and woman and that has made me realize how courageous i am to get over my fears and that it's not a bad thing to be proud of my athletic accomplishments.
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i've begun cleaning out my junk drawer. i'm shredding...and i'll go through all the stuff i have and get rid of things that i don't use or need. this will make it easier for when i move.
i've lost many years and seem to be making up for it in one...
"people that leave your life teach you something"...my Mom said that to all of us at Dad's funeral. she was right. i found pictures from his last Christmas. and for the first time, i felt Joy. i was glad that we all made it home, and he looked so happy standing in front of the tree with Mom and horsing around. i miss him. i tell Mom that i'm glad i sneaked as many sweets to him (behind her back of course)as i could. she always smiles at that.
time to get back to cleaning and weeding. and perhaps i'll venture outside and let the child in me takeover and make snow angels. something i've never done.