the hope of running this year's ING NYC Marathon 2010 has been put to rest. i will cancel my entry and apply for guaranteed entry for 2011 instead.
i've gone through all of the ugly scenarios and can't dispute the fact that i am under-trained, struggling to finish a 10 miler without so much pain and my body is still recovering from injuries i never fully addressed.
bottom line? there are two ways this can go:
1. i run a painful 6+ hour marathon
2. i become part of the small group with DNF by her name (did not finish)
either option sucks.
i told myself if the long runs got difficult in Sept...i'd drop out because for my first marathon, the goal was to get myself to the finish line strong. i did that. i want to finish the second one at a better time than the first.
not unachievable if i train smarter, sleep-eat- better, and train longer than i have for this one.
i hate dropping out, it will be even more painful when the day comes and i'm not part of the crowd, but deep down i know it is the right decision, the most sound decision...so...i will take a few weeks off of running, search out a training group here in my neck of the woods, and begin building up my weekly base milleage. i'll hit the gym and crosstrain in the meantime.
~~~
while the physical part of training has been difficult, the mental part has also been equally difficult. it's gotten to the point that i don't even enjoy going out for a run... too much going on with family, my pets, stress of a long hard work day. work is good, it's just physically and emotionally draining at times. and i looked for running to be the great stress reliever but it never really took on that role. i want to love putting on the sneaks and heading out. that's how it was a few years ago. but now, it's just another stress to add to the list. i think part of it is because i see my body faltering and this bothers me... the aging... rest assured that i'm in pretty decent shape and am able to run a solid 5k, even a 10k. i'm not fat, my legs have no fat on them and are muscular, i've even lost some fat on my arms... i don't have a typical sedentary 45 year old woman's body. i know this. and yet, i am unsatisfied that there are a lot more aches and pains involved when running now as opposed to years ago.
it's difficult to realize that my body can't do what it did 10 years ago without a heck of a lot more work involved. it is solid proof that time continues and will continue eventually leaving me behind.
~~~
in other more lighter news:
went to see the National at the Wellmont Theatre in NJ. opening act sounded better. a little disappointing since i really wanted to be able to hear the lead singer's voice live...the band played WAY TOO LOUD.
will see the Local Natives at Webster Hall next month. i know they'll sound great live. great 3 part harmonies and great drumming. looking forward to this concert.
currently reading:
Food Matters: A Guide to Conscious Eating by Mark Bittman
Life As We Knew It by Susan Beth Pfeffer (a YA book)
listening to:
Veckatimest by Grizzly Bear
The Essential Paul Simon
watching:
2012 - with John Cusack
Legion - with Paul Betany (gorgeous)
Extraordinary Measures- Brendan Fraser, Keri Russell, Harrison Ford
Magnolia - ensemble including Tom Cruise, Julianne Moore... with great song by Aimee Mann
yes. lots of doom and gloom, peppered with hope and a little crazy.
about where i am right now.
;-)
~~~
orangegirl visited the cardiologist again yesterday for a flash of the heart and bloodwork to recheck kidney values after the tweaking of the meds. bloodwork looked good, still slightly azotemic but no difference from last week. she has some mild effusion but not enough to tap. she's eating drinking, urinating and defecating normal. slightly slower, but her respiratory rate and effort have improved.
i know she's on borrowed time. but she's doing okay. we take it one day at a time. that's all we can do. i spend as much time as i can with her.
~~~
ciao!