it's early morning, i've been up since about 7pm yesterday. my body is shutting down. my mind is shutting down. my heart is shutting down. i can't even say i'm burned out...it's gone beyond that. i'm exhausted and fatigued. and unfortunately, it's mostly job related.
yesterday i received my automatic entry notice for the ING NYC 2008 marathon and i almost cried. i don't think i can train for it with the stress and fatigue my body is feeling.
so i frantically search for answers on the net: exercise and it's relationship to exhaustion and fatigue (more moderate exercise helps) yet, i'm on my feet for two 12 hour and one 14 hour shift, constantly moving, lifting and bending. this doesn't include the mental stress of the work i do. somehow the thought of going to the gym after work is tough to consider. it's even tough to go on my days off... should i get a physical? have bloodwork done? book a massage? do yoga? forget about my dream to run at least 3 marathons in my lifetime? change my profession?
i need a plan. i need to find myself again because i feel very lost right now. this isn't the person i thought i'd be... constantly tired, minimally active outside of work, and weak. the worst part is that i forget to love the animals. and this really bothers me because that's the whole point of me doing what i do. to lose this part of myself...well...i may as well be dead.
to care, to love, to nurture and nurse the sick and scared...that is who i am.
so i sit here at 5:16am, determined to find a way to get better, to feel better physically and mentally so that i can do my job the best way i can.
i will sit on the train to work silent but filled with hope.