another loan to apply for and i'm not even sure that i'd qualify seeing that i'm in default for not paying the $7000 tuition promptly. if i don't take the loan out or don't qualify, i don't see myself ever being able to work as a veterinary technician. i can still take the test, but they wouldn't release my certification if i have no proof i graduated. the school won't be able to release my records if i have an outstanding bill. it's called catch-22.
how in the heck can i get small animal experience if noone is willing to give me a chance? the closest hospital willing to take on a newbie is in tbe pittsburgh area... and i just can't work for free, i can't afford to.
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today was awful. i seemed to have picked up a nasty bug. what makes it even worse is that i took friday and this coming monday off as vacation days...meanwhile, i have over 250 hours of sick time. i didn't know i'd get sick. didn't plan on being sick friday and it looks like i'll be under the weather for most of the weekend. woke up early today to get food shopping done and out of the way. bad idea. almost got hit by another car trying to make a left turn. noone gives anyone else a break. i was being passed on the right by impatient people, and the oncoming cars just kept coming and even when it cleared someone comes barreling down the road trying to get under the yellow light and i had to swerve out of their way too. was it really necessary to do a study on the rudeness of people in this country? drivers were the guilty party that topped the polls. no shit sherlock!
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i spent the rest of the day in and out of a haze. those comtrex cold tablets really do a number on me. most times, i don't take any meds but today, i needed help. i rummaged through paperwork, made phone calls to the school, but in the end, i just lost what little cool i had left and cursed the woman on the phone and hung up on her. bad behavior. i've reached my limit. i'm done.
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i fell asleep on the couch and dreamed that i was being chased through a large field by a machete wielding man. there were 3 of us running for our lives. i couldn't run fast enough and he got me. he sliced my neck. another dream began with the same theme... i woke up feeling like i was in a freddy kruger movie.
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an image that my old therapist gave me to instill calmness was imagining Budha on a rollercoaster. he goes up wearing the same calm expression, he goes down wearing the same calm expression. i'm relying heavily on this image. the comtrex tablets help somewhat. being sick helps somewhat. but i still feel like i'm getting to the end of my rope. i'm having anxiety attacks. heck, it's almost 2 in the morning and i'm up writing this because i just don't know what else to do...
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one thing is for sure - i'm tired of struggling to support myself.
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orangehead had her echo on thursday. the doc called me with an update... kitkat's heart is doing well, not much change from last year's exam. she's at a grade of II - III (murmur). her pressure was a little bit of a concern (160) so the doc suggested i check it periodically to see if it goes up a little. if it doesn't, she'll change the diltiazem to a lesser dosage. at least my girl is doing well considering she's got so many health issues.
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i'm coming to terms with the simple fact that i will owe Da Man until i'm 6 foot under. then, i'll probably be charged rent for the space i take up...
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where is help for the common hardworking person? the one that follows the rules and regulations society sets up? when does the little guy get a break? or is he destined to be squeezed of every ounce of blood he has? now i know why people turn to a life of crime. now i know why people off themselves. you go through life trying to do the right thing, get an education, pay your taxes, pay your bills and not rely on handouts. and what does this get you? where does this get you? fired from a job in the field you want to be working in, stuck with a $7000 tuition bill (nevermind all of the school loans) for an education in said field, and stuck in a job that is beyond ridiculous that you go in to work sick because calling out is too much of a hassle (i now have to call 3 people when i call out).
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i hate sounding this way. i hate being a whiner. i am tired. but the search for another job is not an option anymore. i have to find additional income.
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it's raining. the drunk people are coming home from partying all night. i'm sitting here trying to feel like Budha on a rollercoaster, but george bailey keeps stepping in.