now, i can understand why people might do the horrible things they do. you feel bad. you try to get help. and having it be an uphill battle only makes things worse. you get a list of numbers to call and 1 out of 6 worksout. can you imagine getting numbers from your HMO for eating disorder clinics when what you're going through is a meltdown and need counseling? alcohol and drugs seem to be the only way to go, short of slicing wrists. unfortunately, God and my family have made those possibilities impossible for me to choose. unfortunately, i'm blessed with the knowledge that those choices are selfish, stupid and really don't solve problems... i wish i was stupid and selfish. well, i am a little stupid...i am smoking aren't i.
the only running i managed today was running from my rapidly deteriorating work life. and i didn't even run, i took the bus home.
so, i will get up tomorrow, go to a job that is killing my spirit. go through the paces feeling numb because numb seems to be settling in about now, and eventually get back on the bus to go home. yes. i know i have the option to look for other work. i've begun doing that... but in my present state, that challenge in this job market seems scary and hopeless. i will call the one place that asked me to call back tomorrow because they're closed now...
i am done for now.