and so, i think my driving instructor might say this coming lesson, that i might be ready for the test. a test that i've been avoiding for 20 years.
i've driven on the expressway (and i hate it, but i do it anyway)
i've learned how to parallel park. i've learned to speed along with the other schmucks on road. speeding makes me nervous as if i'll lose control.
i've had mishaps, i've braked hard in the middle of a turn thinking i didn't have enough room...(that happened the last lesson) of course, walking home from the gym a few hours before the lesson, i passed a few police cars blocking off the major avenue. they were measuring skidmarks. the helicopters were hovering overhead, the camera crews shooting a live report. i saw one sober and somber looking man sitting in a police car--he looked like he was in shock. i asked the garageman if anyone was seriously hurt...he nodded and said yes.
an older woman had been hit and killed.
i can't help but be affected by this. i went into the driving lesson extremely nervous. i can't help but think that the percentage of chance to:
lose a limb
lose function of my legs or arms
lose my life
cause loss of life (animal, human)
has gone way way up as opposed to what it is if i stay a pedestrian and rider of public transportation...
this, kind of, freaks me out.
many a time i've been told (mostly by guilt-ridden boyfriends) that i think too much. this time, i think they might have a point...
i need a healthy dose of denial.
i need to have more positive thoughts pop into my head.
i need to have a little more confidence that i will be a smart/good driver.
i need to be proud of myself that i've come this far.
~~~
this is a big deal for me. a huge hurdle to jump. quite possibly the toughest thing i've ever made myself do. because the reality of it is that i can not go forward with my life not being able to drive. i've done the best i could do up until this point and now there's no turning back.
one of the reasons this is such an important issue for me is that, and i hate to admit this foolishness but i'll do it anyway...for years, i've believed and told myself that i will probably lose my life behind the wheel. that it's the way i'll die. this is difficult to undo.
i'm on my 6th lesson trying to do just that though.
i hope Dad is watching.