week 3 of my being ill. tried to go to work today (masked up but coughing that death rattle cough). kinda got sent home. headed to urgent care- tested negative for covid and flu. the asculation of my chest — ( reminded me of that scene in moonstruck when loretta is in confession and kind of slips onto the list of sins that she’s slept with the brother of her fiancee and the priest goes down the list and asks her to repeat it and you see his finger shake at her while he says- “not so fast, that’s a big one loretta”….I saw that finger as the doctor moves the bell of her stethoscope over to the right lung area… “I hear a little something, we’ll do a chest rad”…
she comes back after the rad (i almost remained in the paper gown because seriously, as a vet tech - i am used to getting an AOK from the doc that the views are good before I move the fractious cat who can’t be sedated because they are in distress). anyone who’s worked with animals knows to get an ok before you leave radiology because if the first time getting the little stinker on the table was tough, the second time will be way worse.
nonetheless, i changed back into my street clothes. the doc states you have some bronchitis. okay then. 3 meds picked up from the mom/pop pharmacia on the way to move my car for alternate side (unless you own or rent a house with a driveway, don’t have a car in nyc). i get home, take the meds, have lunch, try to take a nap and see a voicemail. it’s the doc. call back for an official radiology report. i call and am told they found a small nodule.
again, there’s the little priest finger saying not so fast, that’s a big one...
so, it is now 12:54am. no nap. because i spent the rest of the day trying to okay a new pcp, make an appt - could only get an appt for the end of June but i am on a wait list...
this is the third cancer scare i’ve had - first the mammo, then the thyroid area (cause the thyroid is gone) and now my slippery little right lung.
and you know. i kinda don’t give a fuck. i’m done. i’m ready. but...
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picture me under the dark sky maine
long drive out from salem where the sisters
still live out their magic words
about the earth and its creatures
the round glowy green eyes peeking
and band of sparkly gas leading
that makes us all know what small really is...
i am more there than here
into the next place and will i be?
in between places where the bard's words live
underneath the cool rich dirt budding with baby leaves?
through a beaded curtain into davis’ blues
ariel’s red haired lady lazarus rising like ash.
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i’m planning a trip this year to the dark skies to see the milky way. will bring my telescope and enjoy earth.