1. I wanted to get in the habit of writing for myself every day. Well, I did, and I do. But that still doesn't get down to the basic "why" of things. I gave up any realistic ambitions of being a writer over a decade ago. Anything I write now is only good for my own amusement/amazement.2. I wanted to keep a record of important life events. Heh ... little did I know. My sum total idea of an important life event back in May 2001 was my divorce. What did I write about back then? Dishwashing and sleep schedules. I go through the earliest entries, and there's so little worth reading there now. Oh, I suppose it's still a valid window on the life I was living three years ago. But calling some of those entries "shallow" would be a great kindness.
3. To gain an "identity" on Dear Diary". This is actually the first reason I ever got around to discussing in my diary, and I brought it up within the first month of my writing here. I wanted to be able to leave authorized comments on other people's diaries, and so needed to establish my own diary so true communication could occur. There were people I was reading, and coming to like. And I wanted to speak with them.
I've known quite a few disembodied heads on the web - people who are careful to keep their musings to anonymous hit-and-run quips that can read deep and meaningfully. But it can be like getting hold of a good quote from an unknown source, and then learning that you've got the quote completely out of context. If I was going to take my time to say something I wanted to be meaningful, I wanted it to have a context. And this Diary was supposed to do that.
Is any of that the real reason? I can write on paper, keep a calendar, meet and discuss things with people. Why here? Why in this fashion? I'm obviously motivated to do this journaling thing. I've kept it up for over three years, counting another journal that is no longer active here on DD, under another name that few know. I don't like doing something and not understanding my own motivation for doing it.
It suggests to me that I do know the real motivation, and simply don't want to face it. I'm freaking lonely. I'm nearly 48, and I'm going nowhere. Oh yeah, I have an important sounding job, and go important sounding places and do important sounding things. But if I think I'm making a difference in this life, then I'm one of the best self-deluders I've ever met in my life (and that's saying something).
I have a few close friends, none of who live particularly near to me, and all of who have busy lives that lead them to little free time to spend with me. I have two sisters that take an interest in me only when I'm doing something worthy of their interest, like dying; I can't even get them to return a phone call on other days. I mean, how pathetic is it when you can't find anyone to go to the Flower Show with you when you're paying, for crying out loud?
Oh, don't mind me. I'm depressed, and in pain, and the damned steroids they've go me on to get the inflammation down have me in their indomitable grip again. This isn't a cry for help. It's just me with too many drugs in my system.
Just to let you know that all is truly alright, I'm getting $2,555.00 back on my federal income tax, and I owe the state $7.00. So if anyone hears me crying "poor, poor, poor", slap me with the back of your hand, will you?
I wrote this nearly three years ago. It could stand to be aired out again, and perhaps freshened up a bit.
24 May 2001
There's an old wife's tale that a salamander can pass through fire unharmed. In real life, many salamanders can shed their tail to escape danger, essentially giving up a less critical part of themselves to save everything that is important. Salamanders go through a metamorphic life cycle, changing from one aspect to another as they grow.
I have navigated fires, but I'm not sure I've come out unharmed, merely changed. I certainly shed my "tail" to escape danger, though I had no idea when I wrote that how symbolic that particular representation of "Salamander" would become. Does it count that I couldn't regrow my own replacement, but had to have assistence with that? And let's hope the metamorphosis continues. I can use some more of that in my life.
Interesting. I just realized what set all of this off. I got a request to make updates to Clueless's diary, and it apparently pushed a button.
My cat is more popular than I am.