Salamander
Fire Walking

Am I doing what I ought to be with the time left to me? Have I contacted everyone I'd want to be in touch with? Have I let people know how much I appreciate their concern, their assistance, and especially their humor? Do my friends understand that my life would be lesser without them?

Have I gathered up as many loose ends as possible? Is there anything important that I've left in an unfinished or ambiguous state? Is there some extraneous piece of my life lying in the back of a drawer or in the corner of a closet that needs to be given a final resting place in the dumpster?

There are so many things I want to do. I know I'll never get to do all of them, even under ideal circumstances. But is there something important I can do now, something important that I should do now? If so, what's stopping me?

Have I loved well enough, so that the man I love knows without question how I feel? Have I given as much as I've taken? How will I be remembered when he thinks back on these past years, and on these past weeks? Will the first thing that comes to his mind when he thinks of me be these terrible last few months, or did I make the good times good enough so that those will be the primary memory he'll have of us?

Why did it take this to make me realize that these are questions I should have been asking myself during my entire adult life? And can I make people understand that this isn't resignation talking and that this is not dark entry? I'm not preparing to die. I'm preparing to live.