Salamander
Fire Walking

Do I know how to pick my times or what? Yesterday I got out of work early, came home, ran out for lunch (The Prof wanted Thai for some reason) and then came back and worked the aparmtent into some semblence of order. We finished at about 4:30 - guests said they'd be arriving at five. At 4:45 The Prof asks if I'd mind if he took off to the gym for an hour. I told him I'd prefer it if he stayed home. These are his relatives coming to visit, after all, and I feel awkward around them. I also pointed out that he's managed to go to the gym every day this week, whereas I've only been able to go once. I also took the opportunity to observe that I seldom ask anything of him, but this once I was asking him to stay at the apartment.

That set him off into one of his rants. He points out that this will probably be his only chance to hit the gym until they leave. He says that if we can't make arrangements to trade them off on each other then we'll never get to do anything this weekend. It was one of his better full blown tantrums. So I got angry. Told him to get the hell out of here and go to the gym. His reply was that he didn't want to go anymore. I informed him that yes, he did want to go to the gym if he knew what was good for him. I believe it was at that point I told him to get the fuck out of the apartment. You have to understand, I don't use the "f" word.

He got quiet. He apologized. Said he'd already mentally agreed with me that he shouldn't go to the gym, but he was just frustrated and letting off steam. I then (probably making a huge tactical error) told him I was sick of his lying to get out of trouble for the things he said and that I didn't believe for one moment that he had changed his mind until he realized I was pissed. That I was tired of his telling me he was just joking after he realized I took one of his sarcastic comments to heart. That I figured if he said things like that so often, there had to be a kernel of truth down in there. I said I was tired of being hurt by him.

A long, drawn-out argument ensued. He did most of the talking. He justified his sarcasm by saying that's the way his whole family is. He said he never meant to hurt me. He agreed that sometimes (but hardly all the time) there was a bit of truth behind his jokes, and agreed to try to be more up front when something was bothering him. Said he was sorry for hurting me. He wanted to know if I couldn't just get used to the way he was.

I told him the truth. That I have been trying to get used to it for a while. That I was more innured to the barbs now than when we first got together, but that he was still capable of hurting me. That I didn't know how much of this I could eventually get used to.

He and I "met" on line, during a discussion when he said "Screw you Salamander". (It was a joke; I guess you had to be there.) His comment last night: It would be ironic if a relationship that started with "screw you" ended because of a "screw you". I asked him if he realized what I thought of him at the very first, when he said "screw you" to me on the forum (granted, he thought I was a guy then, but still...). The Prof got quiet, because he realized I thought he was a complete jerk back then.

He wanted reassurances that we wouldn't break up because of this. I can't give those to him. All I can do is tell him I was willing to keep trying.

Good thing company got lost and ended up showing up an hour and half late. They're still in bed now, and the Prof is at the gym (made a big point of telling me he was "up early" at 8:00 ... he has no clue what "early" really is). I am unsettled and actually looking forward to Monday, when company is back in Oregon and I'm back in work. How sick is that?