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Salamander
Fire Walking

Talking in circles.
Fri Apr 11 2003

Illness takes its toll on even the best relationships. I am not the person I was this time last year. I don't have the stamina I once did. I don't have the patience I once did. I find that I often have less to talk about than I once did; it seems pointless somehow to hash out problems that cannot be resolved under current conditions.

This, in turn, takes its toll on the Socialist. He feels cut off from me, and constrained from talking about things that bother him. When he does talk it makes me feel defensive and impotent. I am responsible for the stress and unhappiness the Socialist is boxed in by, and yet I can do nothing to fix it. Our frustrations build on each other, and I have no idea how to stop the avalanche.

We spoke for several hours last night. How our lives have changed, what we miss, the uncertainties and optimisms that make our daily lives now. I'm not sure either of us left the conversation feeling any better than we did when we started. And I'm not sure how to fix it. I suggested counseling, an idea which was rejected handily.

I can't change what I've become. He can't change his needs. I fear the two are becoming incompatible.

8 Comments
  • From:
    TraumaMama (Legacy)
    On:
    Fri Apr 11 2003
    No!!! I don't want to read this!! This is such a stressful time for you, there are bound to be some relationship problems. This is even more reason to get you back to your normal self.
    Darn it anyway, we have got to get you a liver! This is just not fair.
  • From:
    MoonriddenGirl (Legacy)
    On:
    Fri Apr 11 2003
    I'm sorry. :( Maybe it would help if you could focus on a common enemy. You are not responsible for the stress and unhappiness that boxes him in--your illness is. The same thing that's making you feel such futility.

    I wish you the best. {{{you}}}
  • From:
    Lilith (Legacy)
    On:
    Fri Apr 11 2003
    Pali, It'll be okay. Like you said, illness does take it's toll.
    (((((HUGS)))))
  • From:
    AQuietEvening (Legacy)
    On:
    Fri Apr 11 2003
    All relationships go through ups and downs. I'm sure the uncertainty of your illness and the impending transplant just add to it. Maybe something was in the air last night. Hubby and I had a ridiculous argument that seemed so important at the time and completely insignificant today. Somehow I feel cleansed though...and ready to love him again. Good luck, I'll be thinking of you!
  • From:
    Calichef (Legacy)
    On:
    Fri Apr 11 2003
    I'm with Moon. It's the darned Liver's fault, not yours! You do everything in your power to be as healthy as you possibly can. This is all stress related. I suggest an overnight trip to a spa. A good steam, a nice soak in a hottub, massages for both of you-- just might change both your perspectives. It makes me really sad though that he won't even consider counselling. It could be very helpful and give you both the tools to deal with your current difficulties.
    Fondly,
    ~Cali
  • From:
    Sezrah (Legacy)
    On:
    Sat Apr 12 2003
    i don't really know what to say
    i've started this comment over again a number of times as i feel like i don't have a right to comment on something as personal as this, especially since i'm merely a stranger to you
    i just hope he doesn't throw it all away, i hope he focuses on the you beyond this illness, i hope it ends up strengthening the bonds connecting the both of you together

    sarah
  • From:
    Shambles (Legacy)
    On:
    Sat Apr 12 2003
    I'm praying for you, Pali. And I really do hope he reconsiders the counseling thing. It's certainly not a sign of weakness to not always have the answers.

    If you ever need an email pick-me-up... [email protected] will still forward to my address.


    love/peace/happiness

    Shambles S|:-=
  • From:
    Slipperman (Legacy)
    On:
    Sat Apr 12 2003
    god, pal, that stinks. i hope he was just blowing off steam 8(. i agree with everyone that your liver is being very unfair and unreasonable and you are doing everything in your power to be well. i'm hoping he does, too.