And there's the love you receive,
And there's a difference,
And when the love is wrong, you're better off alone
-Garnet Rogers
I listen to old songs with new ears these days. You, dear reader, have just read those lines, and the first thing you thought of was romantic love. A relationship gone wrong.
It's how I heard the refrain for years. I wasn't wrong. I just never left the shallow end of the pool and swam in deeper waters. Those words deal with every relationship that you've ever been involved in, not just the interpersonal ones.
I've loved my job, even when I've hated my work. I've loved it because I believed in it. I've loved it because it's made me a better person. I've loved it because I've been forced to evaluate and re-evaluate beliefs. I've loved it because I found my passion. And I'm better off alone.
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It's been a rough week. A succession of rough weeks, but this one's had some notable low points. Wednesday a huge snafu in the area of the plant I'm responsible for oversight in lead to complete work stoppage. I only found out because I wandered into the middle of Armageddon two hours into the melt-down. I found two members of my own department, neither of whom have responsibilities in the area, overseeing the response of the areas involved. They'd never called me, never even thought to call me apparently.
The department managers from the areas affected by the breakdown were there, as were the managers of the maintenance departments involved. All of them failed to call me as well.
I asked the closest department manager why I hadn't been called. Too busy, I was told, never thought of it, major breakdown, assumed someone else had told me. The two people from my department were next to him, listening. They had never questioned why I wasn't there. One at least had the presence of mind to try and apologize, but the apology was along the lines of "I'm sorry. So-and-so (also in our department) should have told you." Less of an apology than it was an assignment of blame. I said that it was fine, that I'd just go back to my office until I was needed. I put the emphasis on the word needed.
I then went to check on the animals. I found that emergency protocols that should have been followed were never implemented. I had the employees down there attend to those, and by the time I was done I had gone past angry to livid. I returned to my office, where I let my co-worker know what was going on. He hadn't been informed either.
If it wasn't for the goddamned health insurance I'd have walked out that very moment and never looked back. Well, that and the fact that LGS is now in the midst of a health crisis and I need to keep that steady paycheck to pay a real veterinarian to take care of her.
Thursday at our department meeting my co-worker began to approach the problem of the breakdown. One of the two people from my department who had been present and failed to call us was running the meeting. She cut my co-worker off saying that our department "had been represented" and that's all we were going to discuss at the meeting. Each of us is supposed to give a summary of what we've encountered during the prior week to the rest of our department; when it was my turn to present I simply said that I had nothing to present. Our Fearless Leader didn't even question that. Indeed, had she moved any faster to get to the next person at the table she'd have broken several laws of physics.
Then Friday, the Big Boss (who was absent during all this) was back. I asked her if she'd been brought up to speed about the breakdown, and she said yes she had. She volunteered nothing further I then asked her if she'd been told I hadn't been informed about it, and she said that "she'd heard something about that." Again she said nothing further. When it became apparent that this was ALL she planned to say, I said "Good enough," and left her office. I walked about 100 feet down the hallway, getting angrier as I went. I red-lined somewhere close to the copier room, turned on my heel, and returned to her office, closing the door behind me.
"I was wrong. That isn't good enough." I then told her, in exquisite detail, about the multiple welfare infractions I'd found because I hadn't been informed. I told her that I was sick and tired of the company's claim that animal welfare was a priority when all I had seen that catastrophic afternoon were people frantic about product quality and product loss. She questioned how I could be sure I had my facts straight. I told her I couldn't be sure, because I hadn't been included from the beginning of the mess, but that I had written up the infractions and the department manager had signed off on them. She said she'd have to check into it.
Whatever.
I've been waiting for a phone call ever since telling me I've been terminated. If it comes, my shame will be that I was still there to receive it.
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And to cut off the obvious responses before they happen, I've been seriously job hunting for a month now. I've got several resumes out, and still looking. I think I've finally gotten it through my head that I'm not going to ever make a difference in the way that has become important to me. I've worked hard to get the credentials I need to be taken seriously in animal handling and welfare, but it isn't going to happen. I'm tired of getting my heart broken. I want out. Unfortunately, without those credentials all I am left with is overqualification to flip burgers at Mickey D's.