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Salamander
Fire Walking

Best laid plans of Salamanders
Fri Mar 22 2002

often go astray. No, I did not take myself out to dinner last night. When I got home after work, The Prof was unhappy that he wasn't going to be spending the evening with me. He knows how important yesterday was to me, but duty called and there was no way for him to be able to duck teaching class last night. It occurred to me that I would really rather have him for dinner company anyhow. So I told him I'd have a dinner ready for us when he got home.

I went out and bought a couple of filets, baked a couple of potatoes, made some salads. I also purchased a bottle of Remy Martin for myself - an expensive vice that I have not indulged in since before everything happened five years ago. I munched on some purple seedless grapes until The Prof got home at about 9:30, and had some wine, and was perfectly content with my computer and my cats for company. It turned out to be a very nice evening for me.

(By the way, anybody know what the correct white wine is to use when making kir? I have the creme de cassis, but don't know what to mix it with.)

ADM asks if I'm a better person because I've had the experience of being so sick. I'm honestly not sure. I'm a different person than I would have been otherwise, I know that. I'm less apt to suffer fools gladly than I once was. I have had my convictions tested, and they weren't found wanting, so I suppose I could say I'm more settled in my beliefs. (Whether someone else sees this as a good thing or not I'm not sure, since my beliefs are not predicated upon the existence of a Superior Being.) I can't say I appreciate day-to-day experience more than I did before, but I do now have moments of reflection and introspection that are deeper than previously. Since these moments bring self-doubt as well as epiphany, I'd hesitate to call this a "good" change.

What I went through didn't require any particular courage. It is very easy to lie in a hospital bed and let everybody else worry about you. It's actually very liberating, because it's one of the few times in your life that you can do no wrong. Everything is out of your hands. The hardest day I had while hospitalized was not the first day I was there, but rather the last day there. I was going from a world where my every breath and heartbeat was being monitored and where personnel trained to save my life could be at my side at a moment's notice to a world where I'd have to be self-sufficient again. I suppose the most courageous thing I did was watch my husband go to work my first day home, and spend nine hours by myself. And even that decision was out of my hands - he had to go to work, so I had to learn to live autonomously again.

So, long answer to a short question by ADM: Is Salamander a better person for all this? I don't think so. I just ended up on a different path, not a better (or worse) one. I suppose that's a shame in a way, but since I mostly liked myself before(at least, on good days) and since I still mostly like myself (again, with the same caveat), I at least haven't lost any ground.

11 Comments
  • From:
    TaoJones (Legacy)
    On:
    Fri Mar 22 2002
    i think that's almost a loaded question. What would be a better person? Different is just that, different. i think that one could argue the situation either way. Sometimes i feel i'm a better person for having gone through certain ordeals...but then i prove myself wrong with my short-comings.

    As people, i think we expect change to take the form of better or worse, and sometimes it really is just different.

    Sometimes i wonder if all of my spiritual and religious wandering makes me a better person... i doubt it. It makes me more confused.
  • From:
    Slipperman (Legacy)
    On:
    Fri Mar 22 2002
    spoken like a true taoist ;)

    i really didn't know what to say to this most sober post, sal.
  • From:
    Shay4l (Legacy)
    On:
    Fri Mar 22 2002
    I think I know why ADM asked his question, since I've read several entries where he says that he feels surmounting obstacles in his life left him a better person.

    'They' say some people who face death live a happier, more carefree life afterwards ostensibly, or find religion and become happier, or focus themselves on some cause to make the world a better place. But I feel that sometimes the damage is so severe that just getting back to where you were is a victory.

    Besides, how could you be better? ;o)
  • From:
    BarnacleBoo (Legacy)
    On:
    Fri Mar 22 2002
    I've been seeing your name everywhere on DD these days! So I went back to your diary (one of the best-looking here, by the way) and began reading from the beginning. I've read entries before, but hadn't gotten to "know" you.

    Now I'm signing up for your notify list, and looking forward to reading more ... :D

    Boo
  • From:
    Vigilant (Legacy)
    On:
    Fri Mar 22 2002
    Wow, I got behind a couple of days and I missed so much. I'm glad you shared the story with us. I can't imagine going through something like that. It was very moving, I had to keep blinking to stop from crying at work. I'm glad you made it through. What would the world do without you =)
  • From:
    TraumaMama911 (Legacy)
    On:
    Fri Mar 22 2002
    I am smiling at Shay41's last line on his comment. *Big Grin*
    I never been through anything like you, nor do I know anyone.
    Once again thank you for going into depth for me.
    It's stories like your that make me marvel at how strong and yet how fragile out bodies are when trying to stay in homeostatis.
  • From:
    Allimom (Legacy)
    On:
    Fri Mar 22 2002
    I would say a better question would be,
    are you a stronger person for this experience?

    or even,
    has the way you live and view life changed from this experience?

    It sounds like the answer to both would be YES!
    Alli
    (who is disgusted with her Danes today for waking her up WAY too early and obsessing only on Hugh...)
  • From:
    AussieDeafMan (Legacy)
    On:
    Sat Mar 23 2002
    Bravery is facing up to danger without any fear.
    Courage is what you need to face everyday life.
    Tell me you aren't a person of courage.
    People, quite strangely, think self-doubt is not a Good Thing.
    But self-doubt and constant reexamination of your life 'map' is a necessary part of being a truthful person.
    Nobody has all the answers and beware of people who think they do and have no self-doubt.
    You haven't convinced me at all you aren't a 'better' person.
    You can experience epiphany every day if you open your eyes and mind.
    _|m/ ADM
  • From:
    Rudyshoes (Legacy)
    On:
    Sat Mar 23 2002
    I remember reading about a paraplegic who explained that were she given the opportunity to regain the feeling in her legs, she would probably turn it down as her paralysis had become such a huge part of her personality she couldn't imagine not having it anymore. I still don't know what to think of that.
  • From:
    Channing (Legacy)
    On:
    Sat Mar 23 2002
    Im glad you still had an enjoyable evening. May I ask how old you are? For some reason I always imagined you to be in your 20s, but then in yesterday's entry you had said your husband was in his 40s..... Also, I see you didn't go into the dairy vet practice, but are you a vet still?
  • From:
    Froggy (Legacy)
    On:
    Sun Mar 24 2002
    I have been enjoying getting caught up on reading your entries tonight. Sorry you had to give up your idea of dairy vet. I grew up around cows and they are very calming animals to work with. Even had a pet cow once named Spot;but, that didn't last....don't even want to go there....

    Have a great weekend and thanks for the info about the frogs. If it weren't so cold I would go back outside to try to listen to them again.....

    froggy