Ahhh, another day has come and is drawing to a close here soon. I have to admit that my day was not too bad. I had my third or fourth counseling appointment at Mercy Options Behavioral Health this morning at 10 AM to 11 AM. I would have preferred to stay home, but my counseling appointments are very important to me. I’ve learned something about panic attacks this morning and I have learned that I write better than I talk! My counselor told me so without making me feel like crap because I have known it to be true for a number of years…since I have been a teenager to be very honest with those who understand me…thanks dear friends!
So, from 10 AM to 11 AM, I sat in my counselor’s office sharing my feelings on paper to show wheee I am feeling and struggling with my caregivers and my feelings of disappointment in them for making me feel they gang up on me and my feelings of what happened two years ago has changed me for a short time, but the old Kristi is still here, but her life has changed at some point in the past two years I can’t explain very well because my caregivers want the old Kristi back when she really didn’t go anywhere. I was just on a vacation figuring out what can be done in my new life. Yes, my hematoma and blood infection scared the crap out of me long ago and I can’t walk great distance right now. At least I can walk to and from bedroom to living room and hey, get to my power chair, to the bathroom and toilet with a caregiver nearby, and get back into bed after my day is done. I don’t care if I walk 200 feet a day or 50 feet in a day anymore. I will not walk marathons right now, so please don’t push me or you will push me out of your life so fast because I don’t care what you want or need from me. My relationship with God is still intact and when I have anxiety and meltdowns, I need help to breathe than be criticized for not being the old Kristi because the old Kristi is still here!
The old Kristi is still here. She went on vacation for a while because her life has changed to the point that has been very hard to explain, people! I have dealt with depression and anxiety so bad that I felt weak and not ready to fight a battle she has been dealing with at times. I don’t like to be pushed into things because other people think I will benefit from certain things. People doing the pushing will push me right out of their lives in my way of thinking. I have dealt with disappointments all my life because certain family members wanted more from me that they did not get. I have had the feeling of being an outsider in my own family because of high expectations from certain family members. I am an observer and the things I have observed through the years has not been a ripe bowl of cherries at times.
I have a condition called cerebral palsy and I was born with it because when I was born, I was born two months premature and my twin sister Kari Lynn Karnopp did not survive for multiple reasons. First thing is that the placenta giving her nourishment was in the wrong place and mom and her doctor at the time did not know there was a second baby in my mom’s womb. Kari’s heartbeat stopped because she passed away and began to decay in mom’s womb putting me and mom at risk of poisoning gases and infections. Kari came down and was born a natural birth and boom, doctor noticed a second baby—me! I was born breach and gulped in cold air coming from my mom. That is how I developed cerebral palsy. A mild case anx have been stubborn from day one! I’ve always thought of having Grandpa Clarence’s stubbornness and my dad Bob Karnopp’s temperament, and the temperament is you don’t put me in cage without a fight to ensue if you corner me. I will walk away from things that make me angry and I will say something about it. The only thing about my anger and disappointment in people who do not understand me, I write my thoughts better than speaking my thoughts out loud, and in the past two years with two caregivers Julie M and Jackie Paul, my words have not understood yet at this point because I observe they want me one way and I am not finding that very comfortable at this time. They need to accept me for the way I am. I am not going to have a good day from time to time because of arthritis and the aches and pains that come with it. Yeah, it sucks on a bad day, and I can go on my bad days from time to time, and those days will come.
As far as telling Jackie and Julie M how I feel has fallen off the edge of a cliff after writing/texting my feelings at times. Jackie comes off as overbearing at times and wants things to go her way when the IRIS program.is to be controlled through me because I am supposed to be her boss. I have been home since November 14, 2022, and most of the responsibilities are on Jackie’s shoulders and not on mine. I feel that she is not my employee. I feel she is working for herself and not for me. I feel a lot that I am living Jackie’s life and not my own life. If people don’t start understanding how I’m feeling, I will stop telling them how I feel in words.