Ksmiley/LittleKrissi
My Garden Court Journal

Even though I have said good night earlier, I have been having some difficulty getting to sleep because I have a pressing, nagging, and on-going feeling I have been having for a very long time. I am tired and can not really type right now so I am feeling I am making a lot of errors while trying to type, lol. I am not feeling too happy with my friend CSE right now or sympathetic. With me not feeling sympathetic, I do have to admit, I have not been feeling sympathic with or for CSE for quite awhile and after getting a text from her saying that her cat chewed her computer cord damaging it and her also saying that transporting her computer from place to place damaged her computer cord really found my sympathy non-existing period. I am mad at her because she has known, ever since she had gotten her cat, that he chews on cords...that is the big why I am not sympathetic to her computer issues anymore period. How she beats on her laptop and mouse because they act up is annoying and I wish she would not be so cruel to her computer. I am not at all sympathetic to her computer acting up. i have been having an unsympathetic mood towards her a lot lately. her attitude has been ongoing and she seems to not listen to me half the time. That is why I need to make a decision and keep a hold of this decision without backing down and changing my mind again. I need to put my foot down. I feel that CSE has some issues she needs to work out and I can no longer help her. I cannot help her anymore because I have my own issues to work on - my stress has gotten me feeling rather physically drained lately. With what happened, before I had put a block on my wireless router, in the month of May, stress and I have found some major emotional upsets and I have been dealing with an yeast infection. AARRGG!!

So a decision has to be made. I can not back down this time. I have to put my foot down in order to keep myself safe and secure, and comfortable in my own home from now on. I do not want to blame CSE on my emotional upsets between us lately and I am not sure if I am actually blaming her at the moment either. but I do have to really rethink of our friendship now. Things between us have been creeping up since she moved back into the building I also live in and I do have this feeling she should not have come back ... she lived in the building and then got married and moved out of the building and came back here in January - something telling me she should not have come back. Hearing that she was coming back made me feel uneasy and my mind and heart was not feeling real good about this. I still feel, six months later, her living here is still not a good idea. I just do not know what to think anymore. I cannot believe her anymore. My heart and mind is not closed totally but I have this feeling that my heart and mind is closing real real fast now - since Monday. I was deeply hurt from our argument on Monday and still feel the hurt ... my reaction duly noted was incorrect on top of it and we have both apologized sincerely and forgive each other. She has to gain my trust back entirely now because I DO NOT trust her right now. I have been hurt and burned by people who say are my true friends and come to find out they were not my true friends after all. I have one true friend today and I have my faith and trust in Jesus as well - even though I am constantly reminded that without Him, I can not function on my own entirely. i have to have more faith and trust in Him more at times when my anxiety goes through the roof and I lose control of my world around me... medically and physically more so than anything.

Decision In Profess

I am thinking of changing my password on my wireless router and not giving the "changed" password to CSE. I believe that CSE needs to get her own internet provider and modem/wireless router now and do her family tree research in her own place. I am wondering now if I should allow her computer to be in my home anymore anyway since her beating on her computer and mouse bothers me that much. I NEED TO BE SAFE AND COMFORTABLE IN MY OWN HOME! I CANNOT HAVE ANYMORE STRESS IN MY LIFE. What CSE does to her laptop and mouse is her choice and since it bothers me that much, having her down here to do research should be stopped... I want to change the password for personal reasons now - not wanting anyone to have any access to my wireless modem since I am the one paying for the internet alone here. I have been very frustrated lately. AARRGG!!!