A new day has begun. I have a busy morning and early afternoon. I have therapy at 10 AM and dialysis at 11:45 AM until 2:30 PM.
I look forward to seeing the new dialysis clinic but am simultaneously nervous — crazy, right? Maybe not so. Not sure. Yep, I begin dialysis on Monday today — new schedule at the new place. Perhaps I will not see a patient anymore. That is my hope. I understand she does not want to be at dialysis. I know she may have cancer and is on dialysis because of it. I know she has lost a kidney to cancer. Privacy at dialysis is one big room with patients six feet apart. Now with the new clinic, not sure how private our conversations will be. This patient, J, seems bitter. I am not saying she does not have the right to be upset and resentful, as it is her right. She has, however, made me feel that she has singled me out because I do not measure up to her standards, and I am too perky or something worse in her mind. Jesus knows it is hard for me to pray for someone like this patient, too. With J, I want to scream at her and tell her I have lost friends to cancer and do not want her to die because of cancer, too, but what good would it do for me? It would not satisfy me, and my heart will ache terribly from the memories of those I have lost to cancer. Other patients understand my feelings, and I have heard that J probably does not like anyone. In that case, she probably does not like herself right now, too. It saddens my heart.