So, the real problem with updating your diary is not actually updating with what you want to say in the first place, but trying to provide excuses and give explanations for not updating the darn thing for so long...so, I want to ignore all the last 6 months (yes, it was THAT long!) and just do what I came here to do...I don't know when the perception of Diary changed to be an obligatory creative writing...to hell all that and stuff, you know...I am here and I am here not as much to share with the audience, but more of letting go of the things...just things, you know...not important things or anything...Just feels like want to say something...randoms...
Miss In...
I miss my DD friends...some - more then others, some - in particular...I remember way way back I was musing about that in a virtual world with our virtual friends how do we know when they're gone...I mean - unless somebody who knows them in real world posts few words of their passing here, in virtuality....but otherwise...how do we know...a friend has commented on that old entry with "don't worry, we WILL know"...implying that somehow these things will be passed to us on another level of existence...or something like that, anyway...few weeks ago I had a dream about that friend...about their funeral...I never had such dreams about virtual friends before and it's been a long while since I had any kind of dream about this particular friend, since our ways parted few years ago...so I was left wondering what if...what if this very random dream was that messenger...and wondering about this friend, how, where and what...you know, these real life anchors that make the person to step out of your fantasy into real world...I wish I know...I wish I know for sure...I wish I still have them near...well as near as the virtual closeness allows...I miss you...I miss you so much, I can cry in helpless attempt of revive the connection...and yet the silent decisions made forever defined the course it takes and it feels that reaching out is not justified...so, the question still remains...of how DO we know...
Age In...
Life isn't kind to us in ageing, that's for sure...on a physical plane I am falling apart, slowly but surely...I am loosing that face I used to see in the mirror and smiled to, at times with love, but mostly with patronising "that's the way it is, dear"...I am loosing the oomph of setting my day on fire with exciting things I can do or can imagine...loosing that will power and actual ability to get up and change...loosing the need to change, perhaps? I am also gaining...gaining weight...gaining wisdom not to bother about it all...gaining calm within the limits of my mind and body and, perhaps, soul as well?...I am beginning to understand the why, when my mother gradually stopped being interested in seeing new places, meeting new people, catching up with the people she knew...it feels now as it is all part of approaching that chapter in life where it is more about exploring the inner rather then outer...about acknowledging the fact that there is no return to what was...still strange enough to be moving away from the trailblazing...and yet - somewhat satisfying to be ok with being far enough to see it all almost as an observer rather then participant...Is it all that there is to life?...painfully going through the growing phase, learning to deal with every thing life throws at you, hopping in a panic frenzy through the middle, trying to grab whatever you can from fate's pittance, and finally wrapping up activity and begin the waiting phase?...I'd like to think I still got a good 20 ish years to go before I stop being interested in going anywhere at all... and yet there are moments, like this one...when you'd pause and ask yourself...is it all worth bothering...I've made enough memories to go through not for one lonely evening...Is it worth gaining few more...or it may be more beneficial to embrace mindfulness and dedicate the rest of my time to calculating my worth-in-life value...to be honest, right now I don't know...I can equally accept it that one day, after some bucket-list journey I might come here again, saying it's too early to stop...and too late to be changed...so we shall see how it will pans out, right?...life supposed to be full of surprises...and some times it is us who surprise us the most...