MissTick
Thingish Things

The space we hold as ours in another lives is not a permanent residency…sometimes the space is being used by them for other stuff they have to sort out. Temporary or otherwise. I like the concept of spaces. It makes sense to me. Easy to apply the logic of it to the life’s happenings. Sometimes there is an empty space in our reality and we are searching to fill it. With the things that fit in. And sometimes we try to squeeze in more then we have space for. So the old gets pushed out. It could be a replacement for life. Or for a time being. Guess, it depends on how much better the new fits into the space along with the stuff we wish to keep. How we choose what we want to hold on to and what has to go to give space for the new is the result of the process of the changes in our self-perception. It makes a lot of sense: “I see myself being such and such therefore this and that doesn’t go well with the new image.” I guess, that was the real reason for my ex to go his way. It was not that he stopped seeing me as a worthy person. Just as a person worthy of his new view of himself. I was worth having only for the process of getting to the certain level and then I simply became a used up resource that cannot provide with whatever he felt he needed. He didn’t feel good about himself with me by his side, so he had to find someone who would make him feel good again. By the way, I don’t believe in this tale of ever expanding love. If you have love in your heart, it is not limitless and every new love added takes the space of the old one in some proportion. There is no such thing like if you know how to love one, you are capable to love many. I know not a single example of such unnatural expansion. When the new comes, the old has to go to give space. Equally, when you have a strong feeling, any new one won't have a chance to get into the space of your life.

I have become very careful with my own spaces. Only worthy things are allowed. What’s left can be filled with a comfort of knowing that all I have is what is truly worth having. My space closet is amazingly clear. So little stored in there. Just like my living space. Just like I like. Perfect order inside out. I don’t feel the need to fill in empty spaces. I might not have everything I want, but most of what I need is there. And that makes for a comfort zone.

It often surprises me how hopeful people can be. How they believe that there can be a final resolution to every problem. They think if they’ll learn how to solve one or another issue, they will never come across same issue again. Sure enough they often get disappointed when they get something sorted out and suddenly similar problem appeared again later in life. And they go, like why this didn’t work for me, I should be happy and problem-free to the end of my time. Knowing what works doesn’t mean you won’t get to apply this knowledge again and again. Problem solving skills do not guarantee the problem will never cross your path again. Just that next time when it does, you’ll be prepared. It seems strange to me that people have these unreasonable expectations.

I wrote this entry and thought it always feels as if I’m trying to convince myself more then anyone else. Could it be true and by writing all these sickly positive affirmations, all I am doing is hammering them into my own head so that I can finally truly believe in it. A Do-It-Yourself-Shrink. Sometimes I disgust even myself.