I used to have a friend who was trying to convince me that my life is a sactifice. This used to hurt me a lot because I could never see it as such. I still don't. I was never a victim stuck in unhappy marriage. Someone's words: to love someone is to know their shortcomings and still love them regardless...in 23 years one can learn a lot about the other...I never saw him as a perfect man, yet he was perfect enough for me. It was not blind love, it was love by the conscious choice. I choose to love him and to spend my life with him. too bad his choices turned out to be different.
I can not, should not and shall not make him love me. Nobody "makes" another to love, love is either there or there isn't love.
“I love you but I am not in love with you”…
That was the rationale given. What followed after that was few months of collective tears, closeness as never before, embraces, talks, confessions, time spent in silence together, doing nothing else but holding each other and many more of such. Mixed with plans made behind my back, calls and messaging, flying off to Europe to meet en route to business trip, money taken from joint account and lies, lies, lies…I never thought anyone can lie so much – he never did in all 23 years and in the last few months it seems as if he’s making up for all the years of the lost time…When he confessed at very first time, he said he did it because he could never lie to me…what he did after was exactly what he never did before…
The words about “love but not in love” confused me a lot. I saw a hope in them. Maybe just because I wished to see it so much…too bad I didn't knew it then - this was one of the common excuses according to many psychological textbooks. I know now, yet this doesn't change anything.
To forgive has been easy, once you understand that it happened and you have to either accept that it did or lie to yourself that it didn't. I made a conscious decision to accept. It happened. It is in the past. There nothing I can do about it in the present…
What was not and is not and I suspect will never be easy to forgive - the lies. A man can make a mistake unintentionally, accept his fault, set it right and move on. Anyone can make a mistake…A man who made a mistake unintentionally and then continued building up on it in clear understanding of the consequences, has no honour.
Still in shock from the volume of all the lies suddenly ingrown into my life. Like parasites, penetrated everything they possibly can with epidemic speed…Sometimes it is so surreal, I am not sure if I he is the same man I shared 23 years with. They said changes should be expected in middle life. And they called it – crisis not for nothing... I think I will have to request a certificate from the shrink about successful completion of the midlife crisis from every new man I’ll meet.
I can not, should not and shall not make him love me. Nobody "makes" another to love, love is either there or there isn't love.
“I love you but I am not in love with you”…
That was the rationale given. What followed after that was few months of collective tears, closeness as never before, embraces, talks, confessions, time spent in silence together, doing nothing else but holding each other and many more of such. Mixed with plans made behind my back, calls and messaging, flying off to Europe to meet en route to business trip, money taken from joint account and lies, lies, lies…I never thought anyone can lie so much – he never did in all 23 years and in the last few months it seems as if he’s making up for all the years of the lost time…When he confessed at very first time, he said he did it because he could never lie to me…what he did after was exactly what he never did before…
The words about “love but not in love” confused me a lot. I saw a hope in them. Maybe just because I wished to see it so much…too bad I didn't knew it then - this was one of the common excuses according to many psychological textbooks. I know now, yet this doesn't change anything.
To forgive has been easy, once you understand that it happened and you have to either accept that it did or lie to yourself that it didn't. I made a conscious decision to accept. It happened. It is in the past. There nothing I can do about it in the present…
What was not and is not and I suspect will never be easy to forgive - the lies. A man can make a mistake unintentionally, accept his fault, set it right and move on. Anyone can make a mistake…A man who made a mistake unintentionally and then continued building up on it in clear understanding of the consequences, has no honour.
Still in shock from the volume of all the lies suddenly ingrown into my life. Like parasites, penetrated everything they possibly can with epidemic speed…Sometimes it is so surreal, I am not sure if I he is the same man I shared 23 years with. They said changes should be expected in middle life. And they called it – crisis not for nothing... I think I will have to request a certificate from the shrink about successful completion of the midlife crisis from every new man I’ll meet.